It’s Not You, It’s Me

Two things have made me question what is it about me that seems to only attract weirdos and assclowns. Last night, I went out to dinner with some old friends that I hadn’t seen in what feels like about 100 years. We had all worked together once upon a time and were getting together because the one couple had moved out of state a few years ago and is back in town this weekend. It was a great evening and that might make you wonder why I’m pondering my seemingly endless supply of bad luck in the guy department. In addition to the first couple I mentioned, there was another couple and a single female friend. Whilst we were waiting for a table, the subject of my insane dating stories arose and I began chatting with my single friend about her foray into the world of online dating.

Now this friend is trying one of the many sites I have tried. She’s been on eHarmful* for a month or so and has met very few of the guys she’s been matched with, but is continuing to communicate with a small number of gents. What’s strange to me is that, even though she has only met a few of them, none of them were weird. None were matches that swept her off her feet, but none of them were wacko. Given my experience, I really don’t understand how that is possible. She said that she thought it was me – that somehow I was attracting all the crazies. I replied, somewhat frantically, that it was just that I had dated so many guys that there bound to be some who were a little bit nuts or frightening. But a nagging voice in the back of my head wouldn’t shut up and kept saying “what if she’s right?”

Fast forward to this morning, whilst walking my faithful canine companion I realized it’s been about a year since my last online date and that date was with the satanic fecalphiliac. If you want the full story, read Deal With the Devil, but the short version is that he had an email that had “666” in it and when I asked why he said because it was so easy to remember. And for some reason in at least two phone conversations before we met, he talked about poop. A lot. I mean, any discussion of poop before you even go on your first date is alarming, but he really seemed incapable of not talking about it. I think the context was about my dog and did I often come home to a house filled with poop, did I have to pick up his poop all the time outside, etc,. etc.

When I met him, he didn’t seem to be satanic and he managed to get thru the whole date without mentioning feces. That’s about all that could be said for the date though, so it was both our first and our last date.

So with my friend’s words from last night ringing in my years, coupled with the memory of my last internet date a year ago—this is of course not counting the debacle with the dog walking neighbor (aka the DW) who I didn’t meet online but now have to see constantly as he runs in and out of the neighborhood with that chippy little girlfriend who of course I have not thought about flinging a bag of dog poo at, but I digress… where was I?

Oh yeah, so now I’ve spent the morning wondering, is it me? What is it about me? I’ve philosophized that because I’m probably the first woman in a long time that has actually appeared to listen to what these guys are saying, that this is why these guys tell me all their strangest and most embarrassing traits within 20 minutes of meeting me. That may or may not be true, but I need to rewind to even before that point in time. What is it about how I portray myself online and “in the real world” and the qualities I say I am looking for in a guy, what is it about those things that seems to make me a magnet for the maniacs?

In composing my online profiles for the various sites, I often solicit the feedback of friends, both female and male, to ask for pointers. I’ve changed profile pictures and how I describe myself and what I’m looking for based on these pointers. I’m not trying to say that my friends are responsible for my profile catching the eyes of every weirdo in the DC/MD/VA area, but saying that I’ve taken the time to get people’s opinions on the profile to see if it’s the best way to go.

I just tried to find some examples of what I’ve posted but can’t find a single record.  The closest I’ve found was some of the answers I put to the free form questions that make up a person’s profile on Viral Venus* and here are some snippets:

Self summary: What do you say about yourself in 100 characters? I love to laugh and love to make other people laugh. I'm pretty independent and love to try new things. I try to spend as much time as I can with family and friends. Interests include yoga, working out, reading, writing, hiking with my dog, sucking at golf, cooking, playing the piano, and just hanging out with friends and family.

I'm the youngest of six kids and have a large extended family as well who mainly live in the area although fortunately some are in great places to visit like England. I really enjoy traveling and have plenty of places left on my wish list to check out. Some of my favorite trips have been kind of last minute plans with my sister or a friend - driving through Tennessee, taking a Navajo tour of Canyon de Chelley and staying overnight in Monument Valley, or hitting my aunt and uncle's cabin in WV for a long weekend.

I like learning new things and am an inexperienced trivia buff. I used to speak Spanish semi-well but a beginner's Chinese class gave my Spanish tones, and a general disuse has eroded my skills. This past year I started taking golf and yoga classes and really enjoy them although am far better at yoga than golf. I'm taking some cooking classes with a friend and am contemplating brushing up my Spanish or picking up a new language.
           

I’m really good at: Cooking, yoga, getting into hijinx with my friends, playing bizarre medleys on the piano, making fish faces

The first thing people notice about me are: My willingness to make a fool of myself to make people laugh, my crazy laugh, my NBA player-like height (ok, totally kidding on that one)

Fave books include "Gods Behaving Badly", "Eyre Affair", "Secret life of Humans", "Once and Future King", "Me Talk Pretty One Day". Fave movies include "Philadelphia Story", "Office Space", "Old School", and "Stranger than Fiction." Fave food includes Chipotle burritos, breyers mint chip (but not with the burritos), pecan pie, and twizzlers.

On a typical Friday night I am: Checking out a new restaurant, having drinks with friends, or cuddling up with my dog and finally plowing through some of my netflix movies that spend most of their time sitting on top of the t.v. waiting to be watched. Or if its warmer I'm at a golf class making a fool of myself with a friend and then out on the town afterwards to relive how goofy we were at said golf class.

That wasn’t what I had on most of my profiles but although I tried to keep accurate records of the disasters I dated, I couldn’t find any of my many dating site profiles. I know I’ve asked you in the past for examples of pickup lines (see What’s Your Sign?), but your new mission, dear readers, should you choose to accept it is to help me figure out how I should describe myself in a way that is both honest and appealing and most importantly in a way that will attract more mentally healthy guys than not. If I am to rejoin the frightening world of online dating, or other set-up schemes, despite my dating history, I would need some way to change it up so that when I’m describing my dates to friends as we catch up, phrases like “afraid of people and food”, “afraid of electricity,” “I feared for my physical and mental safety,” or “hair licker” are not the first words that come to mind.

*Name has been changed.