What's your Sign?

I was at the cupcake shop this week with some friends (of course now that I’ve typed this up I just want more cupcakes…hmmm…) and one of them spotted a reasonably attractive guy at the front of the line.  At this point both of them started gesturing emphatically for me to approach said guy in some capacity and kept reiterating in not-so-indoor voices, “Go get him!”  The other maneuvered around to determine that the guy was not wearing a wedding ring, and once that was confirmed they became even more determined in their commands.  I almost started inching towards him, but I couldn’t think what the hell I would say to him.  This was definitely not an optimal situation in which to strike up a casual conversation.  First of all, the people between us in line would surely think I was trying to hop the queue and given the deliciousness of these particular cupcakes, would possibly beat me to death with their purses.  But let’s brush that aside and say I momentarily took leave of my senses.  What in the hell would I say to him when I got up there: “nice cupcakes!”, “what flavor did you get?”, “can I buy those for you or reimburse you as you have already paid?”  Or if I was feeling more brazen, “what kind of cupcakes did you buy me?” or even “those will taste really delicious after you take me out for a drink.”

Those all kinda fell flat but it made me think about the lack of general pick-up lines in my repertoire.  I haven’t been on the dating scene in a few months now and even when I was, it was mostly online and the guys tended to make all the cheesy moves.  I’ve never been really sure about how to approach a guy in real life.  Some people say women don’t need lines, that all they need to do is make it clear that they are interested and guys will be tripping over their feet to lavish them with attention.  I’ve found that line of reasoning to be a pile of crap so I think I need to develop some go to lines in case I find myself in a situation where there is a prospective gentleman that I want to woo. 

Years and years ago, I came up with lines for me and a few other friends but for the life of me now I can’t remember them.  Well, that’s not entirely true, I do remember the line I came up with for a friend that is blessed in the ta-ta department.  I said she should just sidle up to a guy, look him directly in the eyes and say, “So (dramatic pause), do you want to see the goods?” Strangely enough, we could never get those words out of our mouths without bursting into fits of hysterical laughter.  My line was one that I thought up applied only if I ever met a jockey, and although I really can’t remember it now, that is probably for the best as I think it was more than a little off-color. 

Earlier in the month, the same friend from the cupcake shop wanted to take a road trip to some town on the Eastern shore that contained the hot fisherman featured in a photograph in the newspaper.  We decided that as I approached said fisherman, I should try something like “I don’t know what type of bait you’re using, but you caught me!” But again, the likelihood that I could deliver that line without my ears turning bright red and basically sputtering in laughter are pretty slim.

So for realsies, I need some lines for actual situations that I could find myself in.  Like at the gym – what would I say to the cute guy on the treadmill next to me?  “Wow, you’re really sweaty!” or “Don’t worry, I’m not actually going to pass out.  It just looks like that when I run.” And what about the grocery store, if I see a guy I want to introduce myself to, what would be a good line to open up with?  Should I pretend I need something from a high shelf and ask him to help me reach it?  Should I pretend I don’t know how to cook and ask him what I should do with those parsnips? Or on the rare times when I actually go to a bar and see a guy who appears single and with whom I’d like to mingle, should I really use the old standby, “Come here often?” or  should I try to buy him a drink?  Help me out, people.  Who knows what the hell I’ll come up with on my own since I once went up to a guy I liked (granted this was in elementary school) and told him that for someone who was that short, he really had big feet.  Save me from myself, dear readers and help me come up with some viable lines that would have a guy actually interested in talking to me rather than running away at high speeds.