To Text or Not to Text

I know I’ve previously written of my dislike of texting early on in a dating relationship, but I’m writing again as I need some speedy and hopefully helpful advice.  Here’s the scenario: tonight I went on a first date with Chip*, guy that I had been kinda communicating with on Physics* for a few months.  I say kinda communicating because we had mainly just sent those bizarre get-to-know-you games that constitute communication on Physics.*  An example is Love It or Leave It where the site shows you six images and you say if you would love it or leave it.  The images could be things like recycling, saunas, red meat, rodeos, clubs, etc.  

Anyway, Chip* and I started communicating way back in October but then he went missing for 3-4 weeks during which time I’m guessing he was either dating someone or just got fed up with the site and decided to take a break.  Then he re-contacted me in December and we emailed a bit and then talked on the phone.  The phone conversations were a little awkward and extremely long, but not horrible.  He appeared to be working off of a script of interview questions that queried me on my favorite foods, places I like to hang out, hobbies, places I’ve vacationed, etc.   I chalked it up to him just being nervous but our subsequent conversations were pretty similar.

Except the last time we chatted before we actually met –that one was a little weirder.  Mainly because he asked me if I liked to get facials which is a weird question for a guy to ask a woman when they don’t know each other and then also because he admitted that he had his eyebrows waxed a few years ago.  Again, not a thing a guy normally says to a woman before their first date.  But since it’s not a bad thing for a guy to take care with his appearance and he really didn’t seem like a seriously obsessive metrosexual (see A Brief Period of Normalcy with a Side of Squeamishness), I decided to not dwell on the waxing.  At least I could be certain he didn’t have a big unibrow.

Then tonight we meet up for a drink and have a decent but not thrilling conversation.  I think he was highly nervous or possibly has no discernible sense of humor.  But he was a decent guy and it was an okay evening.  The awkwardness came in at the end when we were leaving the wine bar.  I indicated that I was parked in a nearby lot and he said that his truck was right in front of us.  He then asked me what I was up to this week, I told him and asked him what his plans were.  Then we both said goodbye and walked away.  He didn’t say that he had a nice time, or ask me out again, or even offer to walk me to my car.  Incidentally as I was walking up the street to the parking lot, he passed by me in his truck and didn’t wave, beep, or offer to drive me through the chilly night to my car. 

I then called my sister to inform her that the date had safely concluded per our standard operating procedures.  Whenever I go on one of these dates, I tell my sister the time of the date and location and tell her that I will contact her by a specified time and that if she doesn’t hear from me she should try to contact me a few times before contacting the restaurant and then the authorities.  Considering some of the dates I’ve had --Glen* the golfer comes to mind (At Least I Got To Hit Some Balls)—it makes sense to have someone know where I am and make sure that the date ends safely, even if there has been some emotional scarring.

Then an hour or so after the date had ended, Chip* texts me the following message: Do you want to go out again? 

The message seemed odd to me.  There was no greeting, no indication that he had fun, etc. It was direct, which I usually like, but still weirded me out.  As I’m not the most prolific of texters though, maybe his texting etiquette is completely legit.  I didn’t know how to respond so I asked a friend her advice and she said I should just text him back “yes” and see where he takes it from here.  Thoughts? 

*Name has been changed.

Pop Quiz

I know its been a long time since I've posted anything and although I plan to rectify that in the near future, here's a quiz to keep you up to speed in the caliber of matches I've received.

Which of the following was the scariest elements of my latest match's profile?
a. A photo of him next to an assortment of weapons
b. A photo of him posed with his two hairless cats all wearing matching sweaters
c. A photo of him with devil eyes standing next to what appears to be a refrigerator that's been hacked to pieces
d. His profile headline, all in caps telling me "DO NOT FEAR WHAT YOU WANT THE MOST!"
e. All of the Above

Yep, that's right - the answer was posed in matching sweater with his hairless cats.  Actually "all of the above" would also have been an acceptable answer, but for some reason I found the hairless cats to be more frightening than the weapons or ordering me not to fear what I want the most.  In a brave act of self-love, I have not responded to the above gentleman's request to get to know him and what he's all about "without being all judgmental like the last chic." 

Thankfully, the holidays have been too jam packed for me to spend much time cruising either of the dating websites I'm still suffering from/subscribing to.  I'm still talking with a few guys who haven't frightened me too badly...yet.  But my next planned posts include a Wedding Survival Guide for Singles and Comparative Analysis of Way Too Many Dating Websites.

Hapless Holidays

I need someone to rig my television with some sort of holiday v-chip to prevent me from indulging in sappy holiday made-for-television movies.  I’ve hit rock bottom.  Like an addict, I can’t stop coming back for one more fix.  I’m not talking about the holiday classics or movies with actual plots or thoughtful dialogue.  I can enjoy those without overdoing it.  It’s the ones starring former child stars or completely contrived story lines where the girl gets the guy, Santa comes to the rescue, and they all live happily ever after – those are the ones that have me jonesin’. 

If you actually see me at all during the holiday season, it will be a miracle because between the viewing schedules of the Hallmark Channel, Lifetime, and ABC Family I’m having a hard time finding the will to leave my house.  I almost hyperventilated yesterday when I got back from the gym and realized I missed the only showing thus far this season of “Recipe for a Perfect Christmas.”  In this gem, an ambitious and straight-laced food critic comes to terms with her abandonment issues by spending the holiday with her irrepressible mother and of course manages to find an attractive, sweet, up and coming chef, fall in love, and land the job of her dreams.    It’s sappy and sugary and I feel completely guilty watching it and I totally can’t help myself. 

At this point I feel the need to admit something that feels even more embarrassing than my addiction to cheesy romantic holiday flicks.  I think it’s only fair after revealing in my previous posts the flaws and follies of the fellows I’ve dated.  So here it is: I have never, ever, in my 30-something years had a relationship during the holidays.  Bizarre surely for someone my age and who dates as compulsively, yet ultimately unsuccessfully as I do, but it is the truth. 

I realized this the other day after a gluttonous viewing of “A Boyfriend for Christmas” and “Snow Globe.” The plot of the first really is exactly as it sounds and in the latter, a woman irritated with her imperfect family and obsessed with the idea of a perfect Christmas, dreams her way into a snow globe and a perfect Christmas with a perfect guy only to realize that what she thought was perfect, of course wasn’t entirely perfect.  And somehow in between the dreams and the snow globe, she of course meets a great guy and they live happily ever after.  Wow, seeing it written like that has me wondering how I could have sat thru that movie.  And yet I know, deep in my heart of hearts that if I’m home the next time it’s on, I’ll be powerless to resist.

At first I thought my math had to be wrong; at some point from high school thru adulthood, I must have been in a relationship on Christmas, New Year’s, or Valentine’s Day.  But nope, I’ve reviewed the data and it’s conclusive.  I’ve had some near misses along the way.  I almost got back together with a high school ex-boyfriend over Christmas but came to my senses in time.  The closest I came was several years ago when I was dumped two weeks before Christmas—of course this was after I had already bought his gifts but somehow before he bought mine.  I’ve also been dumped one week before Valentine’s Day but just by a guy I had started dating after the New Year. 

Casually dating this time of year is a little perilous.  Things seem more romantic, more sentimental, and more fraught with meaning than they do during the rest of the year.  Add that with a dangerously high diet of watching sugary sap about how the perfect guy will be delivered to my doorstop by St. Nick and there’s no way to avoid disappointment. 

Now, I understand that all those in relationships aren’t necessarily living Norman Rockwell-inspired lives during the holidays.  With some couples, I’m amazed they don’t kill each other by the time Christmas actually gets here.  There’s just so much work that goes into the present buying and wrapping, decorating, baking, card writing, party attending, etc.  Trying to find a parking spot at the mall alone is enough to end in assault charges, let alone spending significant amounts of time with your in-laws wearing holiday sweaters and pretending to enjoy the crap they buy you.

The problem is that although my rational self realizes being in a relationship isn’t necessarily better than not being in a relationship, it is during the holidays more than any other time of year that it feels like there’s something wrong with being single.  As a precaution and also because of the sheer amount of holiday stuff that has to get done, I tend to go on fewer dates.  I don’t want to end up just sticking with a guy so that I have someone to be with over the holidays.  Civilians shouldn’t be exposed to my family during this time of year unless it is absolutely necessary and it’s really too much to go through for a guy for who I only have lukewarm feelings.  I’m still talking to a few guys on Physics* and may actually go out again with Bruce* (see I Kinda Liked It Better When My Dates Were Insane for more details) but I’m not really feeling it.

And to be brutally and painfully honest, there’s still that part of me that’s waiting for Santa to deliver the perfect guy with a big, red bow.  I just hope he delivers him soon enough so that he can get stuck writing the Christmas cards and I can get back to my holiday movie watching.   

*Name has been changed.

I Kinda Liked It Better When My Dates Were Insane

The week before Thanksgiving I went on two dates and neither of them was crazy.  That in itself is pretty novel.  What isn’t new is that the one I really liked has fallen into that black hole all desirable single men seem to fall.  But I’m getting ahead of myself so let’s start at the beginning.

On Tuesday I met Bruce* at a local bar.  He was intelligent, a good conversationalist and attentive.  We talked about traveling, families, stories of growing up, and the upcoming holidays.  I wasn’t a smitten kitten but didn’t mind the idea of going out with him again.   The next day he was leaving at like 5am to fly to Las Vegas for 5 days of fun with some friends and said he would call when he got back in town.  The one moment that gave me pause was when he turned to me and said that he had never been married or engaged before.  I said I hadn’t been either and thought that was the end of the discussion.  These are not the exact words that followed, but the general gist of what he said next was that he was an independent type person and whoever he ended up with would have to conform to his life. 

I don’t want to pick apart every guy that I date to find something that is wrong with him, but I also don’t want to ignore what could be red flags.  Was this a red flag or was it nothing?  I mean, he could have just been nervous and it didn’t mean anything.  Or it could have been that he was saying this now so that say we end up having a relationship and I get annoyed that he is expecting me to completely change my life to conform to what he wants and he says how he told me from the beginning that this is how it would be. 

I decided not to let his declaration of independence scare me away from him and responded to his email last week saying I would like to meet up with him again.  Of course, since I responded to his email he has fallen into the desirable single guy black hole. 

The desirable single guy black hole is not a new phenomenon.  In “The Dangers of Social Networking” I discussed how the black hole sucked up the dreamy veterinary surgeon (not to be confused with chinchilla neuterer from “Two Things I Never Thought I’d Hear”).  You know how it is, you go on a great date where the conversation is awesome, he is cute, you know it is going beyond unbelievably well.  You both agree that you had a great time and he said he’d love to go out again and will call you to set something up.  And then…nothing.  That’s it.  He is never to be heard from again. 

I sort of think there should be a law against this type of misbehavior.  Why say you want to go out again and say you’ll call if you don’t mean it?  Did he say those things because he didn’t want to seem mean at the end of the date?  I’ve been in situations where I’m not interested in the guy but don’t want to crush his feelings and it is a tricky situation.  But I usually just try to be polite but clear and say something like “have a nice night” and shake his hand or if I want to be a little more up front that its not going to work, I might wish him luck on the dating site.  I don’t say I want to go out again if I don’t.

It didn’t bother me as much with Bruce* as it did with Eric.*  Eric* was my date on Friday night of the same week.  We met at a bar downtown and had what I thought was a terrific time.  He is funny and cute and I loved talking with him.  Eric* is wicked tall with red hair and has funky pointy teeth which I actually found adorable and a somewhat high-pitched laugh when he really got going.  He had been working in business before but hated it so started working with this charter school near his house and now works there full time.  He loves it and really likes his coworkers.  Crap, he even makes lunch once a week for his coworkers – like exotic stuff like falafel and homemade pestos.  He told me about his affection for those paranormal tv shows where they hunt ghosts and how awesome his dog is and how much he was looking forward to the holidays with his family.  We talked for hours and then he walked me to my car, hugged me, asked if he could call me to go out again, asked when I was free the following week, and then never contacted me again.  Yep, that about sums it up.

I remained strong though I almost cracked and called him.  It helped that Thanksgiving was crazy busy and then I became wicked sick and sounded like Elmer Fudd after gargling with broken glass.  But I was tempted to call as I really liked him.  I just had to keep reminding myself what I discussed in “The Art of Communication,” it has never worked when I call the guy.  If he really liked me, he would have called.  It sucks and its old school, but it seems to be one of those universal truths. 

Now I’m trying to decide what to do next.  I’m still talking with a few guys on Physics* and being contacted by increasingly scary guys on Barrel of Monkeys.*  In addition to the unibrow who told me he was tired of showering alone, I’ve been approached by a series of frightening guys who take pictures of themselves aiming guns into cameras or almost passed out on tables with their friends.  I’m beginning to feel like a more permanent period of hermitage is in order.  This is a dangerous time though, rife with sappy holiday movies where the single gal finds a hot date under her tree with a red bow or kidnaps a former star of “Saved By the Bell” and makes him pretend to be her boyfriend until they eventually fall in love.  If a prolonged dating detoxification period leaves me with extended periods of time to watch such sappy seasonal specials, the end result could be disastrous.

*Name has been changed

Personal Assistant Required

Wanted: Personal assistant to help organize my chaotic dating life.  Must have excellent organizational skills, be an active and good listener, and a creative thinker who can roll with the punches (not literal; I’m not often prone to violence and if it comes to that, I’m more likely to kick than punch).  Pay will be in form of high-fives for jobs well done as well as occasional baked goods, if I feel like it. 

Clearly things have gotten out of control.  That is certain.  I was having a hard time coping with the one dating site I had joined and the decision to join another has exacerbated my frustration and confusion.  I’ve never been a terribly organized person.  I fully admit my ability to excel in procrastination while others merely dabble in the art.  While I enjoy making a good “to do” list as much as the next woman, it is infrequent that all of my “to do” list gets “to done.”

I finally recognized that things had gotten this bad this past weekend.  Now to put things in a little context, I’ve had a couple of instances where a guy will contact me on one site and then a few months or years later, that same guy will contact me when I’m a member of a dating website.  This happened with this guy who found me on Mismatch* and then later on a free site I joined.  That dude came on WAY too strong, WAY too fast.  The details are fuzzy now but I do remember that Mr. Ticket* was obsessed with inviting me to events and he always seemed to have an extra ticket for things.  He also always wanted to meet in very out-of-the-way places before said event to make sure that he got the ticket to me.  As he emailed these details I could hear the theme song to “Psycho” playing in my head so I never took him up on any of his offers. 

But the most recent incident is slightly more disturbing as to what it says to my power of recall when it comes to my social life.  If you read my post “Beware the Ides of March” you may recall me talking about a guy on a previous site who talked excessively about his Mercedes and who I wasn’t sure if we had ever met in person.  I guess its not surprising that over a year later, I still don't recall all the salient details. 

I was just approached on the site Physics* by a guy who seemed like one I’d definitely like to get to know.  His profile was funny and approachable and his pictures showed a cute guy with a variety of interests.  There was something about him that seemed familiar but I’m honestly communicating with too many prospective suitors on this site to remember all of them, particularly the ones I haven’t met yet; don't get all excited though about the hordes of guys you think I'll be dating.  While I may communicate with a bunch at first, the wear and tear of the dating sites lower the chances of meeting all these guys.  So, back to this particular potential suitor, I clicked on the button for “interested” and went on about my merry way.  But something in the depths of my semi-consciousness kept bugging me until I figured out that this guy from Physics* and the guy with the Mercedes were the same exact guy.  And I still can’t remember if I’ve actually gone on a date with him.

This leaves me in a bit of a pickle.  Do I attempt to talk to this guy who seems interesting?  Even if I may have potentially gone out with him before which maybe he would realize if we met up this time?  And I would probably act like a total goober as I’d be super paranoid that he was waiting to give me a ration of crap for not remembering him or that I would get all angry that he didn’t remember me? 

All of this could have been solved if I had a personal assistant who took copious notes of my encounters with these men and helped me quickly decide which ones I wanted to try and which should be avoided.  Maybe the assistant could even be the one to stare at my phone waiting for it to ring from either of my two dates from last week who have yet to call.  But that, my friends, is another story for another day.  If you know of any personal assistants willing to organize my social life for little or no pay, bad hours, plus she or he has to listen to me whine excessively on the status of said social life, I’m currently accepting resumes.

*Name has been changed

Two Things I Never Thought I’d Hear

 When you think of smooth lines a guy is sure to try on a lady he is attempting to woo, did you ever think they would include the following sentences?

1. “Yesterday I neutered a chinchilla.”

2. “Last month I gave a snake a bunch of enemas.”

As I value entertaining my readers far more than I value my personal safety apparently (and despite what I try to tell myself I have not given up actually meeting a guy I dig who digs me before I reconcile myself to maiden aunthood), I jumped back on the horse last week and met another fella from one of my two current online dating subscriptions.  I decided to go with the site with a fee for my reentry into dating life since the disastrous golfing date with Glen* was from a free site.  So I chose Brick* from Physics.*  Brick* and I had emailed back and forth a few times but I have to admit that I was emailing quite a few guys at the same time on that site and they had all started to blend into one.  I remembered that Brick* was from the South and that his parents still lived there but I couldn’t remember precisely what he did for a living when I agreed to meet up with him for lunch last week. 

I had learned that Brick* was a man of few words.  His emails were way shorter than the other guys I chatted with – Brick* didn’t have a lot of free time and kept his messages short and…well, not sweet exactly but definitely short.  His 2^nd to last email was approximately 4 lines.  He answered a question I asked in a previous note, confirmed that we were meeting 2 days from then, and then closed off with saying “Yesterday I neutered a chinchilla.”

I cannot express how relieved I was when I checked his profile and confirmed that he was in fact a veterinarian and not just a guy with a deeply weird hobby.

I titled my return message to him “That’s a First” and explained in my equally brief note that I had never had anyone tell me that they had neutered a chinchilla before.  His reply, sent the day before we were to meet, was “Last month I gave a snake a bunch of enemas.”  This is far and away one of the most disturbing and intriguing things I have heard.   My mind still boggles at the thought.  I think that was actually one of the first things I asked him when I met him the following day.  How do you give a snake an enema?  Do you often have to give snakes enemas?  Did this one dislike it heavily or was he more agnostic about the process? 

I figured that Brick* had to either have an extremely quirky sense of humor (which I would dig) or be a very strange guy.  He was neither of these things actually.  He was a really decent guy, wicked tall and huge, a slight southern accent, occasionally made this weird throat clearing “ahem” sound after long sentences…and that’s about it.  We had a good conversation at first but it started to feel a little contrived about half way through.   Perhaps I peppered him too much with questions about his work (at some point I realized that talking about enemas was probably not a good sign on a first date).  Neither of us seemed too terribly smitten with the other.  We had a good lunch, okay conversation, he offered to and paid for lunch which was lovely, and then he walked with me in the direction of where my car was parked, telling me to have a nice day before he walked off to his own ride. 

There was no follow up call or indication of interest on either side really.  I probably would have gone out with him again to hear some more interesting work stories or at least to figure out how in the hell you give a snake an enema.

Whoa.  I need to think about that for a minute.  My dating life has come to the point where I would willingly go out again with someone who showed no interest me, in whom I was really not interested in order to find out how to do something I really hope I never ever have to do.  Well I guess there are worse things.  I wouldn’t have a long term relationship with such a guy just to find out bizarre facts in case I ever have to compete in the weirdest trivia contest ever.  But I did find him interesting enough to spend an afternoon or two with to learn his stories and expand my horizons in a way I never thought possible.

 

*Name has been changed

Weird Science

To more scientifically attack the problem that is my dating life and to probably hasten the complete abandonment of my sanity, I am attempting to be a member of two dating sites simultaneously.  This makes complete sense since I was already annoyed with the dating site that I joined a few weeks ago, why not join another one?  Sigh.  But to make this a more scientific study, one of the sites has a fee and one is free; this way I can try to see if the phrase “you get what you pay for” is accurate. 

Thus far, the site with a fee which we’ll call Physics* is crazily annoying.  I can’t block men who don’t have pictures attached to their profile, I get matched up with men named “New Member,” and apparently geography is different in the world of Physics* as the 50 mile limit I have placed on my matches has resulted in me being matched with men in New Jersey and North Carolina even though both are WAY beyond 50 miles.  I am emailing a few prospects right now.  None really stand out so far but as I’ve learned, this is a marathon not a sprint. 

In the wacko category, this site has already brought me a man who’s profile picture featured him standing in front of a row of teddy bears (See “How Not To Adorn Your Dating Profile” ) and this latest gem who had a picture of himself half naked and sent me the following email:

“i am single lonely man. I thought I would make first contact. I’ve always been approached. Check out my profile and let me know”

Act now, customers, and you could respond to this next gentleman who’s profile picture focused in solely on his forehead and who sent me the following opener:

“I True Man whith lots of drems, lots of happiness wiht a big heart to give to the one that’s real and dont play games whith life.” 

And this was from the site that charges a fee.

Its really too early to tell if my latest foray into the free dating website free fall which we’ll call Barrel of Monkeys* is any better.  The site has featured even more personality and relationship tests than Physics* but the results don’t seem to impact the guys that I’m matched with.  Plus it appears that anyone can attempt to contact anyone until you really get your filters in gear.  As a result, within the first 5 minutes of joining I had received 7 emails from a variety of guys living in various parts of the country.  Guys on this site seem to be a little more direct with their intentions but thus far the ick factor hasn’t exceeded any other site I’ve been on.  There’s only been one match that I’ve been interested in so far on that site but it’s hard to tell if he’s still a member of the site or just a profile they have running to make gullible women like me agree to put their profiles on the site. 

I’m trying to psych myself up to meet some of these jokers in ‘the real world’ but since my last date was the crazy golfer who actually made me fear for my safety, I hope you won’t think less of me for being a little reluctant to dive back in to the dating pool.  I’ll be sure to keep you posted on how the two sites compare and when I get the gumption to meet any of these guys in a very public place with no sharp instruments or blunt instruments either, I’m sure there will be an interesting story to pass along. 

*Name has been changed