Looking back now I realize that I picked an inauspicious time to try Match. It was around mid-March 2009 and I was trying to rid myself of a ridiculous crush that was a complete no-hoper. The first guy I started chatting with had a screen name that let me know he owned a Mercedes Benz. He also managed to slip it into the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd emails. Plus it was in his profile on his regular email and other sites. I’m not 100% certain but I don’t think we actually met. Next I chatted with a comedian for a while. He had some family and work issues going on that always prevented us from actually meeting. I was beginning to think Match would not be the most productive of sites. Then I met Phil.*
Phil is arguably the nicest guy on the face of the earth. Seriously, I have spent a fair amount of time kicking my own ass for not being attracted to Phil. But that’s jumping ahead to the end of the story before I’ve even begun. We met for dinner and had a great conversation but I knew then that there was no zing. I really liked spending time with him though and hoped the zing would develop.
An example of the sweetness that is Phil: he gave me an Easter basket for like our third date. We had been talking the week before about our fave Easter candies and I guess I mentioned that beginning the previous year, my parents had stopped giving me my Easter basket and although it was completely irrational of me, I was bummed they stopped. I mean I am over 30 years old so it does seem silly to be upset that I no longer get marshmallow chicks and jelly beans nestled in that fake grass –you know the kind that refuses to be untangled from some of your candy so that in your mad rush for sugar you inadvertently eat the plastic. So instead of flowers, as Phil picked me up to take me to the movie theater where you can actually drink adult beverages as you watch a movie (SO awesome), he brought me a damn Easter basket. It was nice as hell and made me feel horrible since I was beginning to believe that the sparks were there for him but not for me.
We went out for a month or two longer. He even met some of my friends, an event I had been postponing for the other guys I had dated, mainly for my friends’ sakes. He even attempted to teach me to drive a manual transmission. The fact that we’re both alive is more a testament to his patience than to my prowess behind the wheel. When I think now of why I’m not attracted to him, I really can’t pinpoint an answer. He’s nice and smart and funny, but in a much more mellow way than I’m drawn too. I think that may be it – he is much lower energy than I am. In some combinations, that can work well, but it just never clicked with us, at least not for me. He is also one of the skinnier men on the face of the earth and the part of me that will forever be the overweight girl that none of the boys liked in school, has a fear of crushing such a man with one good hug.
I eventually told him that I didn’t feel ‘that way’ about him and that I was still harboring an absurd unrequited crush on someone else, but that I totally dug hanging out with Phil and hoped we could continue to do so. He and I were friends for a while afterwards, actually about a year. It was really cool having a guy that I could chat with, go to things with, try out new restaurants, endanger his life on the golf course, etc. I thought it was all going along pretty well but it turned out that he was hoping things would develop into something more. Once I knew that I felt incredibly guilty going out with him anymore – like I was leading him on even though I wasn’t meaning to.
It all came to a head around my birthday this year when he wanted to take me out to celebrate. He laid it all out there and said he didn’t think he could be ‘just friends,’ that he wanted more. Unfortunately he decided to do this the day after my aunt passed away. I wasn’t in the best of places emotionally but I knew I wasn’t going to be able to try for something that just wasn’t there, convince myself to feel something because someone else did, or pretend that this was a direction I wanted for my life.
That was the last time we spoke. I told him I valued his friendship and thought too much of him to mislead him, and I wished him luck and said goodbye. I’ve thought of him a few times, but I haven’t regretted my decision. I know that some of my friends and family believe that I am far too picky for my own good but I’m not willing to settle. I look at some of my friends with their husbands and see the relationships they have, the love, the laughs, the craziness, good times and bad. They didn’t settle for a guy just because he was good on paper. They just found their matches earlier than I have. Part of me still thinks he’s out there for me. And if not, I have way too much fun with my crazy life now to give up my time for someone just to not be alone.
For my readers out there if you’re still there and looking for more crazy tales of dating, fear not. Sadly for my dating life but excellent for my storytelling, the sweet, mentally balanced, and genuine niceness of Phil was an anomaly with my time with Match and beyond. Next on deck were seductive beekeeper, assorted crazies, and the indie-loving vertically-challenged gentleman I’ll continue referring to as the angry midget.
*Name has been changed
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