Personal Assistant Required

Wanted: Personal assistant to help organize my chaotic dating life.  Must have excellent organizational skills, be an active and good listener, and a creative thinker who can roll with the punches (not literal; I’m not often prone to violence and if it comes to that, I’m more likely to kick than punch).  Pay will be in form of high-fives for jobs well done as well as occasional baked goods, if I feel like it. 

Clearly things have gotten out of control.  That is certain.  I was having a hard time coping with the one dating site I had joined and the decision to join another has exacerbated my frustration and confusion.  I’ve never been a terribly organized person.  I fully admit my ability to excel in procrastination while others merely dabble in the art.  While I enjoy making a good “to do” list as much as the next woman, it is infrequent that all of my “to do” list gets “to done.”

I finally recognized that things had gotten this bad this past weekend.  Now to put things in a little context, I’ve had a couple of instances where a guy will contact me on one site and then a few months or years later, that same guy will contact me when I’m a member of a dating website.  This happened with this guy who found me on Mismatch* and then later on a free site I joined.  That dude came on WAY too strong, WAY too fast.  The details are fuzzy now but I do remember that Mr. Ticket* was obsessed with inviting me to events and he always seemed to have an extra ticket for things.  He also always wanted to meet in very out-of-the-way places before said event to make sure that he got the ticket to me.  As he emailed these details I could hear the theme song to “Psycho” playing in my head so I never took him up on any of his offers. 

But the most recent incident is slightly more disturbing as to what it says to my power of recall when it comes to my social life.  If you read my post “Beware the Ides of March” you may recall me talking about a guy on a previous site who talked excessively about his Mercedes and who I wasn’t sure if we had ever met in person.  I guess its not surprising that over a year later, I still don't recall all the salient details. 

I was just approached on the site Physics* by a guy who seemed like one I’d definitely like to get to know.  His profile was funny and approachable and his pictures showed a cute guy with a variety of interests.  There was something about him that seemed familiar but I’m honestly communicating with too many prospective suitors on this site to remember all of them, particularly the ones I haven’t met yet; don't get all excited though about the hordes of guys you think I'll be dating.  While I may communicate with a bunch at first, the wear and tear of the dating sites lower the chances of meeting all these guys.  So, back to this particular potential suitor, I clicked on the button for “interested” and went on about my merry way.  But something in the depths of my semi-consciousness kept bugging me until I figured out that this guy from Physics* and the guy with the Mercedes were the same exact guy.  And I still can’t remember if I’ve actually gone on a date with him.

This leaves me in a bit of a pickle.  Do I attempt to talk to this guy who seems interesting?  Even if I may have potentially gone out with him before which maybe he would realize if we met up this time?  And I would probably act like a total goober as I’d be super paranoid that he was waiting to give me a ration of crap for not remembering him or that I would get all angry that he didn’t remember me? 

All of this could have been solved if I had a personal assistant who took copious notes of my encounters with these men and helped me quickly decide which ones I wanted to try and which should be avoided.  Maybe the assistant could even be the one to stare at my phone waiting for it to ring from either of my two dates from last week who have yet to call.  But that, my friends, is another story for another day.  If you know of any personal assistants willing to organize my social life for little or no pay, bad hours, plus she or he has to listen to me whine excessively on the status of said social life, I’m currently accepting resumes.

*Name has been changed

Two Things I Never Thought I’d Hear

 When you think of smooth lines a guy is sure to try on a lady he is attempting to woo, did you ever think they would include the following sentences?

1. “Yesterday I neutered a chinchilla.”

2. “Last month I gave a snake a bunch of enemas.”

As I value entertaining my readers far more than I value my personal safety apparently (and despite what I try to tell myself I have not given up actually meeting a guy I dig who digs me before I reconcile myself to maiden aunthood), I jumped back on the horse last week and met another fella from one of my two current online dating subscriptions.  I decided to go with the site with a fee for my reentry into dating life since the disastrous golfing date with Glen* was from a free site.  So I chose Brick* from Physics.*  Brick* and I had emailed back and forth a few times but I have to admit that I was emailing quite a few guys at the same time on that site and they had all started to blend into one.  I remembered that Brick* was from the South and that his parents still lived there but I couldn’t remember precisely what he did for a living when I agreed to meet up with him for lunch last week. 

I had learned that Brick* was a man of few words.  His emails were way shorter than the other guys I chatted with – Brick* didn’t have a lot of free time and kept his messages short and…well, not sweet exactly but definitely short.  His 2^nd to last email was approximately 4 lines.  He answered a question I asked in a previous note, confirmed that we were meeting 2 days from then, and then closed off with saying “Yesterday I neutered a chinchilla.”

I cannot express how relieved I was when I checked his profile and confirmed that he was in fact a veterinarian and not just a guy with a deeply weird hobby.

I titled my return message to him “That’s a First” and explained in my equally brief note that I had never had anyone tell me that they had neutered a chinchilla before.  His reply, sent the day before we were to meet, was “Last month I gave a snake a bunch of enemas.”  This is far and away one of the most disturbing and intriguing things I have heard.   My mind still boggles at the thought.  I think that was actually one of the first things I asked him when I met him the following day.  How do you give a snake an enema?  Do you often have to give snakes enemas?  Did this one dislike it heavily or was he more agnostic about the process? 

I figured that Brick* had to either have an extremely quirky sense of humor (which I would dig) or be a very strange guy.  He was neither of these things actually.  He was a really decent guy, wicked tall and huge, a slight southern accent, occasionally made this weird throat clearing “ahem” sound after long sentences…and that’s about it.  We had a good conversation at first but it started to feel a little contrived about half way through.   Perhaps I peppered him too much with questions about his work (at some point I realized that talking about enemas was probably not a good sign on a first date).  Neither of us seemed too terribly smitten with the other.  We had a good lunch, okay conversation, he offered to and paid for lunch which was lovely, and then he walked with me in the direction of where my car was parked, telling me to have a nice day before he walked off to his own ride. 

There was no follow up call or indication of interest on either side really.  I probably would have gone out with him again to hear some more interesting work stories or at least to figure out how in the hell you give a snake an enema.

Whoa.  I need to think about that for a minute.  My dating life has come to the point where I would willingly go out again with someone who showed no interest me, in whom I was really not interested in order to find out how to do something I really hope I never ever have to do.  Well I guess there are worse things.  I wouldn’t have a long term relationship with such a guy just to find out bizarre facts in case I ever have to compete in the weirdest trivia contest ever.  But I did find him interesting enough to spend an afternoon or two with to learn his stories and expand my horizons in a way I never thought possible.

 

*Name has been changed

Weird Science

To more scientifically attack the problem that is my dating life and to probably hasten the complete abandonment of my sanity, I am attempting to be a member of two dating sites simultaneously.  This makes complete sense since I was already annoyed with the dating site that I joined a few weeks ago, why not join another one?  Sigh.  But to make this a more scientific study, one of the sites has a fee and one is free; this way I can try to see if the phrase “you get what you pay for” is accurate. 

Thus far, the site with a fee which we’ll call Physics* is crazily annoying.  I can’t block men who don’t have pictures attached to their profile, I get matched up with men named “New Member,” and apparently geography is different in the world of Physics* as the 50 mile limit I have placed on my matches has resulted in me being matched with men in New Jersey and North Carolina even though both are WAY beyond 50 miles.  I am emailing a few prospects right now.  None really stand out so far but as I’ve learned, this is a marathon not a sprint. 

In the wacko category, this site has already brought me a man who’s profile picture featured him standing in front of a row of teddy bears (See “How Not To Adorn Your Dating Profile” ) and this latest gem who had a picture of himself half naked and sent me the following email:

“i am single lonely man. I thought I would make first contact. I’ve always been approached. Check out my profile and let me know”

Act now, customers, and you could respond to this next gentleman who’s profile picture focused in solely on his forehead and who sent me the following opener:

“I True Man whith lots of drems, lots of happiness wiht a big heart to give to the one that’s real and dont play games whith life.” 

And this was from the site that charges a fee.

Its really too early to tell if my latest foray into the free dating website free fall which we’ll call Barrel of Monkeys* is any better.  The site has featured even more personality and relationship tests than Physics* but the results don’t seem to impact the guys that I’m matched with.  Plus it appears that anyone can attempt to contact anyone until you really get your filters in gear.  As a result, within the first 5 minutes of joining I had received 7 emails from a variety of guys living in various parts of the country.  Guys on this site seem to be a little more direct with their intentions but thus far the ick factor hasn’t exceeded any other site I’ve been on.  There’s only been one match that I’ve been interested in so far on that site but it’s hard to tell if he’s still a member of the site or just a profile they have running to make gullible women like me agree to put their profiles on the site. 

I’m trying to psych myself up to meet some of these jokers in ‘the real world’ but since my last date was the crazy golfer who actually made me fear for my safety, I hope you won’t think less of me for being a little reluctant to dive back in to the dating pool.  I’ll be sure to keep you posted on how the two sites compare and when I get the gumption to meet any of these guys in a very public place with no sharp instruments or blunt instruments either, I’m sure there will be an interesting story to pass along. 

*Name has been changed

Swingers Redux

The same week that I went out with Glen* the maniacal driving range date (see At Least I Got To Hit Some Balls), I was supposed to go out with another guy as well.  Marty* and I had emailed a few times through the dating website and he seemed like an okay guy.  He said that he had been on the site for a while and had gone on a couple of dates but nothing had really panned out.  His emails were non-threatening, pleasant chats; with the clarity that is hindsight, I now realize that in his emails he revealed very little of his personality. 

We decided to meet on a Friday for drinks.  I have to admit that after my disastrous date with Glen* on that same Tuesday, I was not looking forward to another date.  But I was about to head out of town for a mini-break with a friend and then would be swamped with finishing up my old job, getting ready to start a new job; so, Friday looked to be as good a day as any other.  Of course, I was forgetting at the time how much I excel at procrastinating.  By Thursday night I realized there was no way I could make all my appointments on Friday, pack for my early flight Sat morning, and meet Marty*. 

Earlier in the week Marty* had said that I should text him so we could chat and while I’m against texting when you don’t really know someone (I don’t think you really can get to know someone over text, there’s no way to read someone’s expressions, get their sarcasm, etc plus I’m not that skilled in the texting arena) I decided to send him a quick text Thursday night to let him know that I wouldn’t be able to meet him the following day and to arrange a time when I was back in town to meet up.

What followed was eerily reminiscent of a scene from the movie that first introduced me to one of my favorite pretend boyfriends, Vince Vaughn.  In Swingers, Vince’s character’s friend Mikey (played by Jon Favreau) meets a girl at a bar, they have a flirtatious conversation, she gives him her phone number, and he proceeds to leave a bajillion voicemails.  This understandably freaks the girl out and she instructs him never to call him again.

The following is a transcript of the texts that followed my first text to Marty* on Thurs night at 9:01pm apologizing for postponing and seeing if it was ok if we met up when I returned from my vacation.

Him (9:03pm): I’m gonna have to think about that

Him (9:07pm): Well, ya gotta do Whacha gotta do…I was looking forward to tomorrow but…when do you get back?

Me (9:16pm): 15 Sep not free til 17^th or 18^th.  Sorry but changing jobs & am swamped. Will email when back and we can plan.  Gotta run, on my other phone with a friend.  Talk w/ you next wk.  Have a good wknd!

Him (9:20pm): Ok.  Sounds good.  I sent you an email too btw…

Him (9:23pm): You don’t seem like crap at txting…I’m more of a phone person myself…but I have an awesome phone that makes texting easy…

Him (9:32pm): So tell me more about yourself.  Where are you going on vacation?  Are you excited?  Sounds like fun.  I’m jealous.  Can’t wait to meet up when you get back.

Him (9:41pm): Your turn…

Him (9:49pm): Hello?  Are you there?  What happened?

Him (9:56pm): Sorry, if you’re busy its cool, but if you have time and want to, gimme a call.  I don’t want to bother you but would love to chat!

Him (10:07pm): Seriously, I really want to talk to you.  Please call soon.

Him (10:09pm): What’s up?  What are you doing? I’m starting to wonder…

Him (10:15pm): You there?  Did I say something wrong?

Him (10:22pm): I had to put the phone down for a bit. Did you try to call?  Please give me a call soon.  I really really really want to talk to you.

Me (10:24pm): As I said before, was on phone with a friend.  You’re coming on a bit too strong for me.  Sorry but I don’t think we should continue with this.

Him (10:28pm): What? I’m sorry. I was just expecting a call from you tonight. I get a lil excited sometimes.  Don’t take it the wrong way.

Him (10:32pm): And I’ve never done this before so…I’m really sorry, please reconsider?)

Him (10:38pm): I also feel like txt msgs can be easily misinterpreted, gimme 5 mins and you’ll feel much better about this…can I call you?

Him (10:42pm): Really, I’m so sorry.  But you can’t blame me.  I really wanted to talk to you.  That should be considered a good thing.  Please call or I’ll call you.  Please…

Him (10:50pm): You have got to think this over.  We could be great!  I really have a good feeling about us.

Him (10:55pm): Can you do me a favor at least and check your email?...if not, well…please!

Thankfully that was the last I heard from him.  While he was texting away and I was freaking out trying to discern if there’s any way he could have found out where I lived and was on his way to my house, I went onto the dating website and blocked him from being able to view my profile.  I nearly had a panic attack and called a friend as Marty* really did frighten me.  She tried to calm me down but agreed that he was bad news.  He had also lied at some point as he originally told me that he had been on the site for a while and dated a few women he met through the site, but in one of his MANY texts to me that night, he claimed that this was the first time meeting someone on line and for that reason I should excuse his habit of texting me approx every five minutes. 

In a brilliant fit of self-preservation, I have since quit that particular dating website.  While some of the guys I had met on that service were perfectly nice, there were far more crazies than I was willing to put up with, especially since they seemed to be getting scarier and scarier.  As for if the new site I’m on will prove to be any better (or please, God, no, please not worse), only time will tell.

*Name has been changed

How Not To Adorn Your Dating Profile

Fear not, faithful readers.  For I have continued to show that the possibility of psychopathic taxidermists will not deter me from providing a few laughs for those who take the time to read my blog (plus I hope to actually meet a guy that I dig and who is not crazy...at least not in a dangerous type way).  I joined a new and untested, at least not by me, dating website this evening.  Its far too soon to tell but there seems to be scads of potentials and some of them actually seemed intriguing.

There was one that made me want to update an older post on choosing what to put on one's profile on such a website.  Back oh so many moons ago (perhaps June or July) I wrote about some of the more unusual things I've seen on profiles.  For example, one guy had a picture of himself with crazy eyes and hair, standing next to a guy with some teeth missing.  The main guy was holding a paper sack that had the look of something that perhaps held a human head or something equally nefarious in it.  In another picture, a guy posed with his wife on a motorcycle.  They were both looking to add to his collection of wives. 

On this new site, which of course promises to help match you up with dates that fit to your personality and the character traits you desire in a date, there was a picture of a man standing in front of a row of teddy bears.  That's right.  Most significantly, this was his only profile picture.  I was left with many questions.  Were these his teddy bears?  Does he live with his mother or an aunt and they had a display of their teddy bears that they thought he would make a good backdrop for his picture?  He didn't have any kids so they couldn't belong to them.  Why would he think this would be a good look?  Was it to show off a softer side?  Did other women actually find this appealing?  Do women do this in their profile pictures too? 

All these questions made my head hurt so I finished sorting through the rest of the initial group of potential dates and decided to call it a night.  I still have one remaining old match from the previous site I was on and its a cautionary tale worth sharing so that will probably be my next post.  For now I'll just go snuggle up with my teddy bears and assorted other stuffed animals and dream of a date who does not scare me into hermiting myself away in the Twilight saga books.

**for the older post on what to put/not put in a profile, see "Is a Picture Still Worth 1,000 Words If Taken with a Cell Phone Camera?" http://extremedatingdiary.blogspot.com/2010/07/is-picture-still-worth-1000-words-if.html

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Find me a Blowtorch

If I don’t get the lead out and get a new site to try or the courage/stupidity to try one of the MANY dating sites I’ve already tried, this may be one of my last posts.  I must confess that my most recent two encounters (the latter being Glen* the golfer, the other you’ve yet to hear his story) have left me a little gun shy. 

But back in the spring of 2010 I was still raring to go and that was what found me emailing a guy that I not only had never met but my friend that was setting us up had also never met him.  This matchmaker friend and I have somewhat similar tastes and she knew the things I was looking for in a guy (stick fighting a plus, ability to do own housework essential).  She had met a fantastic guy at work but he was a bit older.  Ok he was old enough to be one of our dads.  This guy sounded awesome though; they had the best conversations and really connected.  Wonder upon wonders, he had a son our age who wasn’t having any luck meeting lovely young ladies in the area.  It seemed like a perfect fit.  The silver fox described his son in fairly glowing terms and it didn’t seem any crazier than talking to the freaks I meet on the internet, so I said she could give Chip* my email address.

We emailed for a while and that went okay.  He seemed a little shy at first but gradually we had some good conversations going over email.  We eventually decided to meet up for a drink.  When I walked into the bar I have to admit that he didn’t make the best first impression.  He had on a sweatshirt that had a few stains on the front, work jeans, and old sneakers.  Within the first two minutes he breaks the ice by telling me that he’s not a good conversationalist.  It’s really hard to make a conversation go anywhere good from there particularly when he was being honest.  He was a horrible conversationalist.  For the first few minutes of the date, he gave minimal answers to questions and didn’t seem interested in anything that I had to say.  And then it got worse.

I tried to work with the “I’m not a good conversationalist” comment; I teased him and said I was sure he was just kidding.  He soberly shook his head and assured me that he wasn’t but informed me that it was all his brother’s fault.  The next few minutes involved him blaming his brother for his own social ineptitude.  Apparently his younger (and apparently more attractive) brother was always the outgoing one with lots of friends who had a ton of fun and outshone his older, less appealing brother.  He whined on and on until I couldn’t take it anymore.  I was pretty sure I wanted to date his brother instead of him (sadly his brother had a girlfriend already).  So I asked him if it was only difficult for him to make conversation or extend himself socially when he was around his brother or when he was on his own.  He answered that it was only difficult around his brother, so I looked around and remarked that his brother wasn’t at the bar right then, so what was his excuse?

I thought my blatantly rude remark would have gotten his attention but nope, he was impervious.  He kept complaining about how it had always been this way –his brother had always been the center of attention ever since they were little kids—and how could he possibly change decades of history.  That’s when I told him that “at some point, you’ve got to take responsibility for your own actions and not blame people from your past and incidents from years and years ago for your behavior today.”  It’s like I was channeling Dr Phil or Dr Joyce Brothers or someone.  I thought this would get his attention, give him pause, something; but no, he remained untouched. 

At this point, he at least stopped talking about his brother and started making inane conversation about the weather, sports, etc.  I just stared at him in disbelief.  He was on autopilot.  It didn’t matter that I responded or listened or even that I was there.  I started making my move for the door, saying that I had to get going.  This put him in hyperdrive.  I should have known better as the same thing happens whenever I’m having a prolonged phone conversation with my mother and say that I have to get going.  She finds about 15 other things that she has to tell me right then and an additional 20-30 minutes are added to the conversation for every time I say I have to get going.  It was the same with Chip* but I didn’t feel the need to stick around.  I told him twice that I had to get going and as he kept talking about his upcoming trip to California and baseball spring training and the chances for rain later in the week, I signaled the bartender for the bill for my drink.  All the while, Chip* kept going. It was like a floodgate of autowitter had opened and there was no stopping it.  I paid for my drink, got my purse, stood up and pushed my bar stool in reaching over to shake his hand and tell him to take care. 

As I was fleeing, I heard him continue jabbering, finally realizing that I was leaving, and he yelled after me that he would call me when he got back from his trip.  I wondered then if we had been on the same date.  How could he possibly think that we had more to talk about? I must have misheard him. 

But no, when he got back from his trip he sent me a couple of emails telling me about his trip, asking how I was, and saying he wanted to take me to dinner.  I thanked him for the invite but said I didn’t think we had made a connection and I wouldn’t be meeting up with him again.  He responded that while it was my choice, he liked to give people more than one chance and that he didn’t believe in instant chemistry but that maybe he was a bad judge of character.  Of course with my predisposition to feeling guilty I wondered if I should reply back to him that he was right and meet up with him again but thankfully I contacted the matchmaker friend that had set us up in the first place and she told me to run.  She apologized left and right that Chip* wasn’t anything like his awesome silver fox of a father. 

I wasn’t upset with her – I knew what I was getting into.  She said up front that she hadn’t met this guy, just that if he were anything like his dad he would be a good catch.  And it wasn’t the end of the world – I have had far worse dates with far worse guys.  In the end, I’m glad that I gave him a shot and am grateful that she was thinking of me when she met the awesome client.  Next time, I’ll just have to make sure that she meets and verifies that my actual date is the catch and not his dad.  Or I’ll have to make sure he at least pays for my drink. 

*Name has been changed

They Don’t Make Phone Booths Anymore

Sadly the most noteworthy thing, the thing that you would not believe about the next guy to grace my extreme dating diary, is something I can’t reveal. I’ve been avoiding using guys’ real names which is a real shame as the guy after the two professors named Mike* had the most awesome of names. His name sounds like he should be a mild mannered grad student by day and then hop into a phone booth, change into some tights and a cape, and go about fighting crime, leaping over tall buildings, and wooing women with a single, smoldering glance.

I’m trying to think of a similar name to give him in this post, one that truly reflects the awesomeness of his real name, but I’m falling short. For now, I’ll call him J. Frisco Blingtime* or Frisco* for short. Frisco* was yet another date where I’m not really sure what went wrong. We met up for coffee one day after I got off work and he finished with classes; he’s in the middle of getting his PhD in economics. Frisco* was a total cutie; average height runner with adorable reddish blond hair, aqua eyes, teeth so white it almost hurt my eyes….crap, the guy even had a dimple! Plus he could talk – he was smart and interesting. We talked for almost two hours over a cup of coffee. He’s lived all over the place and had really interesting stories. He did have pictures of himself in his profile with his two cats, which a friend thought was strange, but I was so far gone that even seemed cute to me.

I knew though, at the end of the date, that there was not going to be another. He walked me to my car and said he had fun talking with me, gave me a hug, but left me with no indication that he wanted to meet up later. It was entirely civil but definitely not leaving the door open for another date. For a few days I wondered what I had said wrong or if the pants I were did not adequately disguise the junk in my trunk, but eventually I decided to stop beating myself up as maybe he just wasn’t feeling any spark-type feelings. At least he didn’t do the “it was so nice meeting you and I’ll call you and we’ll go out again” routine; that has grown beyond old.

After Frisco* I had a similar experience with Joe.* I met Joe* for a couple of beers one night. There’s nothing to memorable about him but he was a decent enough guy. Joe* worked for a university and was getting his masters in sociology. He wasn’t as cute as Frisco* but he wasn’t too shabby. We shared a good, but not great, conversation and he introduced me to a new pub with nice microbrews so I guess that’s something. I didn’t have any warm tinglys with Joe* but thought I wouldn’t mind seeing him again and since he had said he’d like to go out again, I emailed him the week after our date. By the time I emailed him, however, he had changed his mind. This time I was more annoyed than disappointed. Joe* was definitely not superhero material.

Well, friends, if I don’t get off my butt and join another crazed dating site or scheme, my next post might be my last for a while. There is a doozy of a date that I still have left to share – not from a site but the blindest of blind dates possible. The current site I’m on has proved a little too hazardous; after Glen* the crazy golf date there was an even scarier one that I might share after the blind date.

*Name has been changed