How to Survive Weddings and Even Enjoy them as a Singleton – Part I

In all the furious fervor of the royal wedding it has occurred to me that for the first time in at least 10 years, I will have an entire year where I don’t attend any weddings.  At one point I think I was averaging 5 or more weddings a year.  And as someone who has only had a romantic-type date to one of those weddings in the entire decade, I feel extremely qualified to offer sage advice on How to Survive Weddings and Even Enjoy them as a Singleton (for a few of those weddings, I did have a spectacular ‘date’ in the form a fabulous female friend but only once in ten years did I have a non-platonic plus one).  I’ll also try to offer Helpful Hints to blushing brides and grooms on how to improve the fun quotient for their single pals.  So in no particular order of importance…

1.  If you’re going to attend, decide that you’re going to have a good time and be a fun guest. 

This kind of should go without saying, like don’t wear white to a wedding and if you’re a bride don’t try to make your bridesmaids look so disgusting that people will turn into stone just by looking at them, but sadly, this advice needs verbalizing.  If you’re going to répondez s'il vous plaît, and take up a dinner plate and spot on the dance floor, get your booty out there and have a good time.  Yes, you’re single and yes, the older you get, there will be fewer single friends at the table with you.   So the hell what?  Are you happy for your friend that’s about to be hitched?  Are you a fun person who likes to have fun?  That is a legitimate question as there are plenty of people out there who like to be miserable.  But if you answered yes to both of those questions, then go the wedding and be happy. 

If you can’t be happy, regretfully decline.  Don’t go and be a mope.  You may think that everyone is thinking about how you’re still single (yes, I’ve had these thoughts countless times) and how awful it will be if year after year you go to everyone else’s wedding and never have one of your own, but actually neither of those things is true.  People aren’t thinking of your seemingly perpetual single state – most of the time, they’re thinking about their own problems.  And even if you never have a wedding, it won’t be awful.  Just my opinion, but it is far, far worse to marry the wrong person than to live your life on your own.  If only I could figure out how to successfully register for gifts and have people throw me a big party even if I don’t become lawfully wed.  Hmmmm…. but that’s another thought for another day.

I have learned from my younger days when I took things a bit too seriously, that you can either be fun and have fun or be lame and have a lame time.  Sometimes I take it a bit too extreme (will cover that topic when discussing open bars), but on the whole I have to shake off any attempts at modesty and admit that I am a totally awesome wedding guest.  In fact, at a destination wedding a few years ago, I was voted “most fun guest” by the DJ, photographer, bartender, and some of the waitstaff.  Granted, I was in rare form that night on the dance floor and inspired some of my fellow guests to get off their butts and strut their stuff.  But they seriously did name me the funnest guest ever and even fetched me stuff like better drinks, a birthday smoke, and played every song that I requested.  That was a pretty awesome wedding as my friends that got hitched actually got me my own birthday cake and had them play “Baby Got Back” instead of “Happy Birthday.”  But I digress.

2. Speaking of that dance floor, get out there and shake your groove thang!

There are fewer things I adore more than a solid d.j. (no, not of the DJ 3-way variety) and a chance to bust a move (provided there’s an open bar but we’ll discuss that later).  It is proven fact that you will have a better time if you get up there, grab your friends, and hit the dance floor.  Even for the cheesy songs – the cheesier the better.  And I’m a BIG fan of interpretative dancing and lip syncing.  I’m not suggesting that you grab the microphone and try to take the stage, but when the music starts get up and dance.  For most of the songs, you don’t need a partner.  And don’t get all maudlin that if you were married, you’d have a spouse to dance with blah, blah, blah.  Most of the time, this is total crap. A lot of the married guys I know refuse to dance with their spouses.  Were I married to any of them, I would put an end to that kind of behavior post haste but we’ve learned over the course of my blog that I might be a bit too particular.  Regardless, dancing is almost always a fabulous idea.  To quote the ineffable Lady Gaga, just dance.  That is of course with the exception of slow songs.

3.  Unless it’s a slow song, and if it is, get the hell out of there.  STAT!

Slow songs are poison to the singleton who actually likes to dance and is all by her or his lonesome at a wedding.  I can pull up my big girl panties and have a good time at almost any wedding, but the slow songs will bring me to knees and have me curling up in the fetal position, convinced that I will be all alone for the rest of my life and will learn to crochet sweaters for all 13,000 of my dogs and cats that I will hoard in my house.  I have been to weddings where I was literally the ONLY dateless sap in attendance other than the bride’s infant niece and 90-something year old grandma.  This became completely obvious during the first slow song as EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE ROOM HAD SOMEONE TO SLOW DANCE WITH EXCEPT ME.  Two of the couples even included the niece and grandma.  It felt like it was all in caps and they were all staring at me and pitying me and worse than that I was pitying myself, and that I just won’t stand for.

So what to do in this situation?  If your friends are kind, some of them may lend you their dates for a slow dance or two but sometimes that can feel even sadder than sad.  If your friends are kinder, they will invite some damn other single people and make them hot too (will discuss later).  But if those things aren’t happening, take matters into your own hands.  No, don’t get up there by yourself and sway.  It looks creepy and pathetic and you’ll feel horrible.  The only thing that kind of works is to haul ass out of there the second a slow song comes on and don’t come back for at least 6 minutes.  DJ’s almost always follow up a slow song with other dumbass slow song, so you have to find a way out of that joint for at least the duration of two songs, three if the DJ is extra cruel.  Don’t break into a sprint to get out of there, but don’t dawdle.  And don’t worry if people give you funny looks, most of the time those perceived funny looks are all in your head.  Take a restroom break, get some air, something.  Just get out of dodge.

4. Enjoy the open bar, but don’t lose your damn mind.

Ah, the lure of an open bar!  Its siren call has caused me to commit egregious acts in years past…okay, it wasn’t all that far in the past.  One of my least proud open bar incident (or at least the only one tame enough for me to share on the Internet) was during my “two drink strategy period.”  Open bar lines seemed exceedingly long and so for a period of time, I would always get two drinks each time I made it to the front of the line and my standards at the time were gin and tonics.  So at what still remains after 8 years the most fun wedding I have ever attended (largely but not exclusively due to my friend’s husband inviting hot single guys), I might have gone to the bar for a two-for a few too many times.  On one trip, I overheard a wedding guest who happened to be the fiancée of a guy that I had dated a year or two earlier comment cattily to her friend “I can’t believe she’s getting another drink!”   So on my return trip, I stopped in front of the fiancée, clinked both of my drinks together in her face and said I drink both of those to her health and good luck in her marriage. 

At that wedding I also caught the bouquet (disproving that myth) and as I’d had a few or several too many, I spiked the bouquet to the ground and ran out of the reception laughing.  Those were really my only ridiculous moments other than the very queasy car ride; all in all that wedding still goes down as the most fun wedding of all time.  How could it not when there were hot and interested single guys, a crazy d.j., and a plethora of good friends.  One very good friend crashed a wedding next door and came back with a long blond wig and a 3^rd place bronze medal, declaring herself to now be named “Svetlana.” I did shots with the groom who I had never really talked with before, danced with all my pals, and had two guys hitting on me.  It was a HILARIOUS good time and I even got a semi-boyfriend out of that who I dated for a few months before he fell into the single guy black hole.  I really should have chosen the guy with the spiky hair and tongue ring rather than the dud I picked.  Another tale for another time.

But used judiciously, an open bar will loosen you up and get you on that dance floor. 

This is a pretty long post so I’m going to have to wrap it up for now and work on Part Deux later.  If you’re heading to a wedding in the meantime, bring a nice gift on the registry (or money), comfortable shoes or be willing to dance shoeless, and have fun!  If you’re the one getting married, I wish you health, wealth, happiness, and love.  It is of course Your Special Day, but please remember your friends who were there for you before you met The One and will more than likely be there when you want to strangle The One or if The One should turn out to be Not The One.  These are the friends who spend a large portion of their adult lives being happy for friends around them celebrating engagements, showers, weddings, baby showers, births, kids’ birthday parties, etc.  At a minimum, if there’s only one or two of your single gal friends attending your wedding, don’t throw a bouquet.  I find the whole process basically a mortifying cattle call and generally attempt to be elsewhere while it is ongoing, but it is even more pronounced if it’s just you and one other chic up there.  Having caught the bouquet twice in my life and not having been wed once, I think the power of it is at best suspect. 

Alright, now that’s really it.  Good night to all my readers, be ye single or hitched.  If you’re so inclined I think the royal wedding coverage starts at the butt crack of dawn on Friday.  Myself, I will be snoozing away and looking forward to the day when news coverage doesn’t focus on the horrors of Kate driving by herself just 48 hours prior to the wedding with no security OR what type of jelly bowls will be served.  But if you have a spare invitation and a plane ticket to Heathrow, I’ve been practicing my princess wave would be more than happy to show British wedding guests how to do the lawnmower, shopping cart, or any of my other patented dance moves.