The last shall be first so let's talk about my current musings on happiness. I started re-reading the book The Geography of Bliss this week for a critical thinking class where we had to take an article or book and examine the arguments in said work and how the author made or did not make his or her case. All the other people in the class picked articles on information technology, military decisions, or the economy but I decided I wanted to examine the arguments that Eric Weiner sets forth in The Geography of Bliss to see what makes some places happier than others. I could tell the rest of the students thought I was a hippie, trippy liberal type but since I kind of am I didn't take it as an insult.
If you haven't read the book, I'd recommend it. And if you're a freak like me and can't read a good book just once, pick it up again. Weiner travels to a variety of countries to figure out why some peoples are happier than others and the findings are surprising. Happy countries include places like the Netherlands, Switzerland, Iceland, and Bhutan. America may be the home of the brave but sadly we rank in the lower end of the mid-range of most sociological studies into happiness. At least we beat out Moldova, Tanzania, and Rwanda I guess, but it still seems like we should be happier than we are.
The study of happiness is one of contradictions. Republicans are happier than democrats (go figure). People who are more tolerant are happier than the intolerant, but homogeneous nations are among the happiest on earth. People who attend church are happier than those that don't but secular nations are happier than religious nations. There is no link between happiness and suicide rates; Switzerland is highly rated in both. Married people are happier than singles (I lose out again) but people without children are happier than those with children.
The strongest argument that the author makes is that a person's happiness is intertwined with those around them; people are happiest when they are part of a vibrant and active community and when they trust one another. By some accounts, trust is the most important factor to happiness. That alone could seem to make singles lose out again accept that recent studies show that single people are actually more likely to be an active part of their communities than their married counterparts; singletons tend more towards civic activism and volunteerism, at least according to Eric Klinenberg when discussing the trend of increasing amounts of people choosing to live alone in his book, Going Solo.
So now for the pesto and relationships. I know about the first but apparently not the latter. I've just started doing some freelance article writing in an attempt to build up my resume in terms of writing and editing and to improve my writing overall (with the hopeful goal of finishing my book sometime in my lifetime). I've mainly been writing for a "dating and relationship expert" who is very nice but has me write things like why do men lose interest after the first few dates and how to get your man to commit. The last one I sent her, I actually thought was good. So I have to admit my pride was damaged a bit when she told me she needed something more practical--a step-by-step guide to help intelligent, attractive women to find a man, date him, and make it into a relationship.
Those who know me can appreciate the irony of me writing such an article as I can't remember the last time I actually had a successful relationship in the form of a boyfriend who wasn't a complete lunatic. I felt a little like a hypocrite and also a little nauseated, but I sat down and wrote the article and thought I did a pretty good job.
After seeing my client's recommendations though, I'm not sure that I can fix it to be what she wants. Because meeting a guy and having a relationship isn't like making pesto, which I did fairly easily this morning. My little container garden out back has been prolifically producing basil so I decided that this morning I had to make and freeze copious amounts of pesto. The steps to doing so are pretty easy: 1. Pick and wash 4 cups of basil leaves 2. Put basil in food processor along with 4-6 cloves of garlic, one-half cup of pine nuts, and one cup of olive oil. 3. Blend until smells delicious and is somewhat liquidy green wonderfulness. 4. Pour into ice cube tray to freeze so you have nice individual servings of pesto. 5. When you want to use, thaw and add in grated Parmesan cheese. Done.
I don't really think getting and keeping a relationship can be broken down into the same, neat little steps. If it can, I don't know what they are. I don't own the rights to any of the articles she buys from me but since she didn't buy this one, here's what I came up with. I'll mess around with it later today to try to get it to be what she wants, but I actually think what I had was probably the most practical steps I could have come up with that could be genuinely useful.
How to Get a
Boyfriend
We like things totally spelled out these days: 8 ways to
lose 10 pounds, 6 new hairstyles, 14 steps to financial success and 5 steps to
building the perfect resume. It’s almost like following a recipe. Up front,
recipes tell you exactly what you will need for ingredients, each individual
step to get to the end result. Some even tell you the total amount of time that
will be required to bake that perfect cake: 25 minutes preparation, 60 minutes
baking time, 85 minutes overall.
If only things were that simple in getting a boyfriend. You
know, something that said to mix up 1 cup of patience, 2 gallons of
persistence, and a good dollop of a sense of humor; total time overall: 6 months.
Unfortunately, even though men claim to be more logical and less emotion-driven
than women, I haven’t found the perfect scientific method for getting that
great boyfriend.
That being said, my years of dating experience have helped
me develop a sort of formula to improve my chances for obtaining that
mysterious and highly desirable prize of a boyfriend. This isn’t foolproof but
I think that following some of these steps will improve your chances of ending
up with a boyfriend.
Step 1: Get Your Act
Together. This step is probably the most critical –if you don’t do this not
only will you probably not get a good boyfriend, you’ll also not have the
greatest time in your everyday life. You need to figure out who you are, what
you want, what you need, and how you prioritize all the various elements that
go into making up your life. If you don’t know who you are as an individual,
you won’t be happy as part of a couple. I know far too many women whose
identities are completely wrapped up in their husbands’ or boyfriends’
identities. These women end up being relationship chameleons, changing to
reflect the habits and preferences of their partners rather than reflecting who
they truly are.
Step 2: Put Your Best
Foot Forward. If the first step is about getting the inner you in shape,
step 2 deals with getting that outer you in shape too. No crash diets, plastic
surgeries, or exorbitantly costly wardrobe changes are in order. But it is
almost a universal truth that when you look better and are happier with your
appearance, you are more confident and confidence attracts other people to you.
I’m not talking about overconfidence or arrogance, but a decent amount of
self-confidence goes a long way. So make sure you’re doing some sort of
exercise you actually like, eating healthy, spend some time on your grooming,
and put on something that makes you feel hot—not slutty or overly glamorous,
but at least several notches up from sweats.
Step 3: Get Out There.
I wish it were as easy as ordering up a boyfriend through a high-end catalog
and having him delivered right to your door, but sadly if you don’t leave your
house and go somewhere where prospective boyfriends hang out you’re probably
going to stay single. Now you can try an online dating site—I have and as a
result have met some great (and some awful) guys—but you have to eventually
meet up in real life. If you haven’t gone the online route, I’d recommend
joining a group that does something you’re interested in. Volunteer with an
organization that helps build houses for the homeless and you might chat up a
tall, dark and handsome stranger while installing siding. If you like kayaking,
running, reading, cooking or whatever, there are tons of groups out there where
you can actually meet men who share the same interests as you. I’d recommend
something like that over heading out to your local bar.
Step 4: Listen More
than You Talk and Be Open. When you’ve met that guy that you think could
make good boyfriend material, ask him about himself and really listen to the
answers. Figure out early on if this is a guy that you actually could want to
spend time with in a relationship. Now you might find out something that at
first glance, seems different than how you prefer things or how you look at the
world. But before you kick him to the curb, be open to trying something new.
Don’t try to change who you are, but you never know—you may find out that you
get a boyfriend and a new hobby or interest in the process.
Step 5: Don’t
Overthink Things. I don’t know about you ladies but when I like a guy, my
tendency is to overanalyze everything he says and does. Not only does this make
me miserable but if I vocalize that overthinking of mine, it can drive him
away. Don’t call him multiple times a day and don’t text nonstop. If he wants
to spend time with his friends, don’t complain that you don’t get to see him
enough. You both need to be secure enough in your burgeoning relationship to
let each other do things independently. It will make the time you spend
together even sweeter.
Step 6: Appreciate
What You Have and Make Sure You Feel Appreciated. I have a disturbing
tendency of watching sappy, sickly sweet romantic comedies and build up a
fantasy idea of my future boyfriend. There is no way that any normal human guy
can live up to the qualities displayed in the perfect boyfriends and husbands
on display in the movies and television. You will not be able to change him
into a perfect specimen of hotness and chivalry. He is who he is and if you
can’t appreciate him the way he is, you need to get out now. And remember back
around step 2 when we talked about self-confidence? Well, you need to make sure
that he appreciates you for who you are and doesn’t try to change you. Feeling
unappreciated and like something is wrong with you will sabotage your
self-confidence and make you miserable.
If at the end of these six steps, you end up
with a great relationship, well, that is just fantastic. If you don’t or you
find that your guy doesn’t appreciate you or treats you poorly, don’t settle.
The woman who can follow the steps will be the happiest and healthiest version
of herself possible, with or without a boyfriend.
