How to Survive Weddings and Even Enjoy them as a Singleton – Part II

Have you finally recovered from Royal Wedding fever?  After saying that I wouldn’t get up early to watch any part of it, my eyes magically popped open just before 6am and I was able to see the lovely bride step out of the car and show her secret wedding dress off to the world.  And then for pretty much 48 hours, every TV channel on planet earth beamed the wedding coverage so that given how many times I actually saw the wedding, I know all of Prince William’s middle names, what the toddler granddaughter of the Duchess of Cornwall was holding in the royal wedding pictures, and I could now convincingly deliver an explanation of why the sister of the bride wore white in a way that makes sense in the fashion world. 

After all the regal romance, I needed a bit of a breather before I contemplated the rest of the sage advice I wanted to impart to all of you future singleton wedding guests (and also to you wedding holders.  Wedding holders?  Is that even a real expression?  But I digress…) 

Ok, so all ye about to attend a wedding, here’s a quick reminder of all the pearls of wisdom to be found in Part I:

1. If you’re going to attend, decide that you’re going to have a good time and be a fun guest. 
2. Get out there and shake your groove thang on the dance floor
3. Unless it’s a slow song, and if it is, get the hell out of there.  STAT!!
4. Enjoy the open bar, but don’t lose your damn mind.

So next on the list, in no order of importance:

5. Make sure you look G-O-O-D!

I am not suggesting, of course, that you attempt to upstage the bride, but you should make a serious effort to look hot.  Make sure you find out what the bridesmaids and groomsmen are wearing and don’t wear anything remotely close to that as it just looks like you’re a wannabe.  Wear something that makes you feel fantastically attractive.  Not slutty or anything overly promiscuous or complicated, but pick something out that highlights your best features but that still allows you to dance (i.e. is not too tight or insanely short).  If you choose style over comfort in shoes (if you can’t find both in one pair which is pretty much impossible), make sure you’re ok with dancing in your bare feet since rule 2 (shaking your money maker on the dance floor) applies whether you choose sensible flats or the highest high heels in all the land. 

This part of the advice is crucially important – wear these clothes and look your best for yourself.  Please, oh please, don’t dress to impress some awesomely wonderful singleton of the opposite sex that you are convinced will miraculously be attending the wedding and catch sight of you in all your loveliness and decide to sweep you off your feet, because the next piece of wedding advice is…

6. Be reasonable in your expectations of the ability of this wedding to introduce you to the man/woman of your dreams.

Let’s get real here people, if you are a good friend of the bride or groom, we’d have to hope that if they actually knew of any hot, wonderful, kind singletons of the opposite sex that they would have introduced you to them ALREADY.  Why would they know and think the world of you and know that you are a single looking to mingle and NOT introduce you to the eligible bachelor or bachelorette that could be the answer to your prayers?  That would just be cruel (although it is one of my now not so secret fears that my friends have virtual slews of potential boyfriend-material types that they aren’t introducing me to for reasons unbeknownst to me). 

There is a small chance that there could be some distant cousin or old college friend of his or her soon to be spouse that your friend hadn’t met before and that your eyes could meet across the crowded floor, in line for the bar, whilst throwing rice or blowing bubbles or whatever the hell trendy thing is done to or thrown at couples these days, but don’t go to the wedding thinking this is a likely scenario. 

In all the many weddings I have attended, I have procured only one semi-boyfriend that lasted a few months, one guy I danced with who never called to ask me out on an actual date, one guy I danced with who I probably would have had some sort of liaison with had I not decided to go shot-for-shot with some of the out of town wedding guests who were also bartenders and I passed out en route to the after party (see rule 4), and a couple of semi-creepy guys that were okay dancing partners but no real potential for relationships. 

I would recommend avoiding any movies, made for TV movies, and card commercials that make it sound like virtually every couple out there met each other at a wedding.  You may have heard friends of friends that met their future spouses at a wedding but I’m semi-convinced these are urban legends.  It’s like the commercials where all the internet dating sites show attractive, funny, eligible singletons who found each other on that dating site, married, and are now eternally blissful.  Even if it is true, it hasn’t happened to me yet and over-thinking scenarios where this could happen is probably not the best idea.

Before I sign off for the evening, here’s a few basic suggestions for ye who are soon to be wed and have singleton friends attending said nuptials (most of the explanations for these can be found previously in this post or in Part I – I just thought it would be helpful for the wedding planners to have it all in one list they could thoughtfully check off):

1. Don’t make your bridesmaids wear outfits that are disgusting, degrading, overly complicated, and/or insanely expensive (c’mon, ladies, you are better than that.  These women have been there for you before you found the clown in the monkey suit and if it comes to it, they’ll be there for you after he hits the road if your ‘ever after’ doesn’t turn out to be so happy.  Regardless, you should never need to make other people look ugly to look good)
2. Open bar – doesn’t have to be top shelf but there should be some bevvies of the adult variety
3. Dance music – including at least a few cheesy songs
4. Keep services to an hour or less, unless you are providing refreshments and adequate entertainment
5. Don’t let the d.j. play more than 2 slow songs in a row
6. If you only have a few single female friends, don’t throw your bouquet (see Part I)
7. Remember to have fun (This should go without saying but all too often, the stress that had been building up prior to the wedding plus all the pressure of the big day seems to make this advice sadly worth uttering)
8. Try to invite other singletons if possible.  Preferably attractive ones of the opposite sex.  If you don’t know any, go meet some.  There’s still time. 
9. Have good cake.  Wedding food itself is not always that great but good cake is essential.  If necessary spend less time and resources on wedding favors and more on the cake. 
10. Don’t go crazy in the wedding planning.  If you think you might go too crazy, think about a smaller and even better, a destination wedding.  I’ve been to one in Florida and one in St. Thomas and they were fantastic.  Although the one in St. Thomas now has ruined me slightly as I sampled 125 year old Grand Marnier at that reception and pretty much everything else pales in comparison after that treat.  I still feel warm fuzzies thinking about it.  It was like lazy, liquid nookie in a snifter.  Mmm…

I think that’s pretty much all I got in me for now.  If I think of any other pearls of wisdom to pass along, I will add them later.  This is a very weird lack of weddings type of year for me so the advice isn’t right on the tip of my tongue. 

***DISCLAIMER: The author of this blog (that’s me) doesn’t want any of the wonderful couples who have invited her to share in their Big Days to read anything into the author’s enjoyment levels at their particular weddings.  She is nothing but grateful for being invited to your nuptials and truly had a blast and continues to be happy for all y’all.  She apologizes heartily for any comments that make it sound that anything was lacking or not as fun as it could have been at your weddings as that was definitely not the case.  She wouldn’t have traded the time she spent at your festivities for anything.