Pop Quiz

I know its been a long time since I've posted anything and although I plan to rectify that in the near future, here's a quiz to keep you up to speed in the caliber of matches I've received.

Which of the following was the scariest elements of my latest match's profile?
a. A photo of him next to an assortment of weapons
b. A photo of him posed with his two hairless cats all wearing matching sweaters
c. A photo of him with devil eyes standing next to what appears to be a refrigerator that's been hacked to pieces
d. His profile headline, all in caps telling me "DO NOT FEAR WHAT YOU WANT THE MOST!"
e. All of the Above

Yep, that's right - the answer was posed in matching sweater with his hairless cats.  Actually "all of the above" would also have been an acceptable answer, but for some reason I found the hairless cats to be more frightening than the weapons or ordering me not to fear what I want the most.  In a brave act of self-love, I have not responded to the above gentleman's request to get to know him and what he's all about "without being all judgmental like the last chic." 

Thankfully, the holidays have been too jam packed for me to spend much time cruising either of the dating websites I'm still suffering from/subscribing to.  I'm still talking with a few guys who haven't frightened me too badly...yet.  But my next planned posts include a Wedding Survival Guide for Singles and Comparative Analysis of Way Too Many Dating Websites.

Hapless Holidays

I need someone to rig my television with some sort of holiday v-chip to prevent me from indulging in sappy holiday made-for-television movies.  I’ve hit rock bottom.  Like an addict, I can’t stop coming back for one more fix.  I’m not talking about the holiday classics or movies with actual plots or thoughtful dialogue.  I can enjoy those without overdoing it.  It’s the ones starring former child stars or completely contrived story lines where the girl gets the guy, Santa comes to the rescue, and they all live happily ever after – those are the ones that have me jonesin’. 

If you actually see me at all during the holiday season, it will be a miracle because between the viewing schedules of the Hallmark Channel, Lifetime, and ABC Family I’m having a hard time finding the will to leave my house.  I almost hyperventilated yesterday when I got back from the gym and realized I missed the only showing thus far this season of “Recipe for a Perfect Christmas.”  In this gem, an ambitious and straight-laced food critic comes to terms with her abandonment issues by spending the holiday with her irrepressible mother and of course manages to find an attractive, sweet, up and coming chef, fall in love, and land the job of her dreams.    It’s sappy and sugary and I feel completely guilty watching it and I totally can’t help myself. 

At this point I feel the need to admit something that feels even more embarrassing than my addiction to cheesy romantic holiday flicks.  I think it’s only fair after revealing in my previous posts the flaws and follies of the fellows I’ve dated.  So here it is: I have never, ever, in my 30-something years had a relationship during the holidays.  Bizarre surely for someone my age and who dates as compulsively, yet ultimately unsuccessfully as I do, but it is the truth. 

I realized this the other day after a gluttonous viewing of “A Boyfriend for Christmas” and “Snow Globe.” The plot of the first really is exactly as it sounds and in the latter, a woman irritated with her imperfect family and obsessed with the idea of a perfect Christmas, dreams her way into a snow globe and a perfect Christmas with a perfect guy only to realize that what she thought was perfect, of course wasn’t entirely perfect.  And somehow in between the dreams and the snow globe, she of course meets a great guy and they live happily ever after.  Wow, seeing it written like that has me wondering how I could have sat thru that movie.  And yet I know, deep in my heart of hearts that if I’m home the next time it’s on, I’ll be powerless to resist.

At first I thought my math had to be wrong; at some point from high school thru adulthood, I must have been in a relationship on Christmas, New Year’s, or Valentine’s Day.  But nope, I’ve reviewed the data and it’s conclusive.  I’ve had some near misses along the way.  I almost got back together with a high school ex-boyfriend over Christmas but came to my senses in time.  The closest I came was several years ago when I was dumped two weeks before Christmas—of course this was after I had already bought his gifts but somehow before he bought mine.  I’ve also been dumped one week before Valentine’s Day but just by a guy I had started dating after the New Year. 

Casually dating this time of year is a little perilous.  Things seem more romantic, more sentimental, and more fraught with meaning than they do during the rest of the year.  Add that with a dangerously high diet of watching sugary sap about how the perfect guy will be delivered to my doorstop by St. Nick and there’s no way to avoid disappointment. 

Now, I understand that all those in relationships aren’t necessarily living Norman Rockwell-inspired lives during the holidays.  With some couples, I’m amazed they don’t kill each other by the time Christmas actually gets here.  There’s just so much work that goes into the present buying and wrapping, decorating, baking, card writing, party attending, etc.  Trying to find a parking spot at the mall alone is enough to end in assault charges, let alone spending significant amounts of time with your in-laws wearing holiday sweaters and pretending to enjoy the crap they buy you.

The problem is that although my rational self realizes being in a relationship isn’t necessarily better than not being in a relationship, it is during the holidays more than any other time of year that it feels like there’s something wrong with being single.  As a precaution and also because of the sheer amount of holiday stuff that has to get done, I tend to go on fewer dates.  I don’t want to end up just sticking with a guy so that I have someone to be with over the holidays.  Civilians shouldn’t be exposed to my family during this time of year unless it is absolutely necessary and it’s really too much to go through for a guy for who I only have lukewarm feelings.  I’m still talking to a few guys on Physics* and may actually go out again with Bruce* (see I Kinda Liked It Better When My Dates Were Insane for more details) but I’m not really feeling it.

And to be brutally and painfully honest, there’s still that part of me that’s waiting for Santa to deliver the perfect guy with a big, red bow.  I just hope he delivers him soon enough so that he can get stuck writing the Christmas cards and I can get back to my holiday movie watching.   

*Name has been changed.

I Kinda Liked It Better When My Dates Were Insane

The week before Thanksgiving I went on two dates and neither of them was crazy.  That in itself is pretty novel.  What isn’t new is that the one I really liked has fallen into that black hole all desirable single men seem to fall.  But I’m getting ahead of myself so let’s start at the beginning.

On Tuesday I met Bruce* at a local bar.  He was intelligent, a good conversationalist and attentive.  We talked about traveling, families, stories of growing up, and the upcoming holidays.  I wasn’t a smitten kitten but didn’t mind the idea of going out with him again.   The next day he was leaving at like 5am to fly to Las Vegas for 5 days of fun with some friends and said he would call when he got back in town.  The one moment that gave me pause was when he turned to me and said that he had never been married or engaged before.  I said I hadn’t been either and thought that was the end of the discussion.  These are not the exact words that followed, but the general gist of what he said next was that he was an independent type person and whoever he ended up with would have to conform to his life. 

I don’t want to pick apart every guy that I date to find something that is wrong with him, but I also don’t want to ignore what could be red flags.  Was this a red flag or was it nothing?  I mean, he could have just been nervous and it didn’t mean anything.  Or it could have been that he was saying this now so that say we end up having a relationship and I get annoyed that he is expecting me to completely change my life to conform to what he wants and he says how he told me from the beginning that this is how it would be. 

I decided not to let his declaration of independence scare me away from him and responded to his email last week saying I would like to meet up with him again.  Of course, since I responded to his email he has fallen into the desirable single guy black hole. 

The desirable single guy black hole is not a new phenomenon.  In “The Dangers of Social Networking” I discussed how the black hole sucked up the dreamy veterinary surgeon (not to be confused with chinchilla neuterer from “Two Things I Never Thought I’d Hear”).  You know how it is, you go on a great date where the conversation is awesome, he is cute, you know it is going beyond unbelievably well.  You both agree that you had a great time and he said he’d love to go out again and will call you to set something up.  And then…nothing.  That’s it.  He is never to be heard from again. 

I sort of think there should be a law against this type of misbehavior.  Why say you want to go out again and say you’ll call if you don’t mean it?  Did he say those things because he didn’t want to seem mean at the end of the date?  I’ve been in situations where I’m not interested in the guy but don’t want to crush his feelings and it is a tricky situation.  But I usually just try to be polite but clear and say something like “have a nice night” and shake his hand or if I want to be a little more up front that its not going to work, I might wish him luck on the dating site.  I don’t say I want to go out again if I don’t.

It didn’t bother me as much with Bruce* as it did with Eric.*  Eric* was my date on Friday night of the same week.  We met at a bar downtown and had what I thought was a terrific time.  He is funny and cute and I loved talking with him.  Eric* is wicked tall with red hair and has funky pointy teeth which I actually found adorable and a somewhat high-pitched laugh when he really got going.  He had been working in business before but hated it so started working with this charter school near his house and now works there full time.  He loves it and really likes his coworkers.  Crap, he even makes lunch once a week for his coworkers – like exotic stuff like falafel and homemade pestos.  He told me about his affection for those paranormal tv shows where they hunt ghosts and how awesome his dog is and how much he was looking forward to the holidays with his family.  We talked for hours and then he walked me to my car, hugged me, asked if he could call me to go out again, asked when I was free the following week, and then never contacted me again.  Yep, that about sums it up.

I remained strong though I almost cracked and called him.  It helped that Thanksgiving was crazy busy and then I became wicked sick and sounded like Elmer Fudd after gargling with broken glass.  But I was tempted to call as I really liked him.  I just had to keep reminding myself what I discussed in “The Art of Communication,” it has never worked when I call the guy.  If he really liked me, he would have called.  It sucks and its old school, but it seems to be one of those universal truths. 

Now I’m trying to decide what to do next.  I’m still talking with a few guys on Physics* and being contacted by increasingly scary guys on Barrel of Monkeys.*  In addition to the unibrow who told me he was tired of showering alone, I’ve been approached by a series of frightening guys who take pictures of themselves aiming guns into cameras or almost passed out on tables with their friends.  I’m beginning to feel like a more permanent period of hermitage is in order.  This is a dangerous time though, rife with sappy holiday movies where the single gal finds a hot date under her tree with a red bow or kidnaps a former star of “Saved By the Bell” and makes him pretend to be her boyfriend until they eventually fall in love.  If a prolonged dating detoxification period leaves me with extended periods of time to watch such sappy seasonal specials, the end result could be disastrous.

*Name has been changed