It is a very strange thing to watch a loved one about to crash very, very hard and be unable to stop it. You try to do what you can, say the things you think need to be said, holding on so tight, throw her every lifesaver you know of to keep her afloat, but you know it won't work. You can see the fall coming and are wincing and cringing your way through the day. Maybe if you're extra nice to everyone and do some unspecified acts of kindness for strangers, maybe you can arrest the fall. Maybe if you pray extra hard it won't happen.
I wonder if this is what it feels like to be a parent and see your kid doing things that you know are so stupid that you feel like you must stop them but you know you can't. If you keep cushioning them on the falls, they won't be able to survive if you're not around to smooth things over.
In this case though I know that there's nothing I can do to make this situation different. You can't shake someone into sanity or tell a depressed person to be happy. I mean, of course you could try it but it won't do any good. So what do you do? Do you play along and pretend that everything is just grand? Do you rant and scream and rage as she starts to slip? Do you sit this one out and look the other way?
I don't know the answer so I ate some cake for dinner and am going to bed early. Then in the morning I will get up, force myself to get out of bed and face the day head on, balls to the wall. It's not that much of a plan but it's something.
This trainwreck is going to happen whether I want it to or not and at this point, I will not stick my fingers in my ears and scrunch my eyes shut. I want to look that batshit crazy conductor in the eye as the train hurtles toward me. For I am slowly but surely learning that I can't control the ups and the seemingly endless downs that come my way, but I can control how I face these things.
