Do One Thing Every Day that Scares You

I'm sort of afraid of everything. I mean, I'm not like terrified of everything but I'm afraid of way too many things. These aren't crippling fears (like my date that was afraid of electricity) but they make me way too nervous.

I'm afraid of the normal things, like elevators, sharks, choking on something in my house with no one to do the Heimlich, needles, my dog getting sick or dying, me turning into a cranky and notorious spinster, and birds. Alright, I know that the bird thing is weird but I fear birds in captivity, like at the zoo in the aviary where you can walk through and birds fly right over your head. I fear that they'll decide they need their freedom and will peck my eyes out to enable an escape. And truthfully, I'm afraid of geese in and out of captivity. When I briefly lived in Bethesda, I had to walk past this mother goose and her babies on my way to the metro. Even though I didn't even look at them and certainly made no threatening gestures towards her or her babies, the mother goose would go berserk on me. That thing chased me to the metro every morning, hissing and flapping her wings.

But I'm also afraid of going anywhere new. I get extremely nervous when I have to go to a meeting or conference somewhere that I'm not familiar with; I would rather stay at home and stare at the walls than go somewhere new. I think that fear probably boils down to my overwhelming fear of embarrassing myself. I have a very distinct memory of being in some shop with my sister in England and seeing these little cards that say things about people born on certain days. It said that people with my birthday are easily embarrassed at almost anything. I even got embarrassed reading that.

I am terrified of what people think about me. I over-analyze what people say to me and how they say it, worrying that they think I'm crazy or stupid or annoying. I know that sounds nuts but I'm afraid of making a fool of myself or making people angry or frustrated with me like all the time.

Perhaps most of all, I'm afraid of people finding out how nervous and uncertain I am, how much I worry about their opinion of me. That's why I'm writing this. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Do one thing every day that scares you." This is my thing for today.

Warning Signs: Time for Action, Avoidance and/or Alcohol

Here are some signs that mean you better get your damn house in order:

• Your therapist/stylist/coworker tells you that you look tired.
• When people ask you about your love life, they don't even wait for the answer before they get their sympathetic face going. 
• Laundry doesn't make it out of a wad in the laundry basket for days/weeks at a time.
• You can't remember what you wanted to do when you grow up.
• Everyone around you seems to have accomplished a major life goal: marriage, children, graduate degrees, dream career
• Even your dog/cat looks annoyed at being the constant attendee to your pity party.

So when all those things happen in the space of a week or two, that's when you may be tempted to have a full-blown nervous breakdown. When you really need to worry is when you're too exhausted to get worked up over your ability to put a check mark next to all of those things.

I've been feeling pretty meh lately. Like I'm stuck in some sort of cosmic waiting room with really old magazines, awful lighting and hateful earworm inducing music. Or like I'm trapped in the less exciting parts of the movie Groundhog Day. You know, the one with Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell? Where even though you are extremely annoyed by how she pronounces the word "poetry" and her general aura, you are still a sucker for watching the movie every time it appears on cable TV? Well that's where I'm at lately.

So what's the answer? More dating websites? Actually going to a function organized by a Meetup group rather than just receiving and deleting emails about said groups and their events? Tossing everything aside to really crank my book (at least one of them) out? 

I honestly don't know. It's as if I'm in a sequester-fester. All the indecision in Washington and how it impacts my life and the lives of those around me seems to have permeated my views on life and ability to do something of substance. 

For now I think the temporary answer is to go to bed, catch up on some sleep, hope that my dog has forgiven me for going away this past weekend and that when I wake up tomorrow, Sonny and Cher won't be singing in the background while annoying DJ's talk about Punxsatawney Phil.