Hapless Holidays

I need someone to rig my television with some sort of holiday v-chip to prevent me from indulging in sappy holiday made-for-television movies.  I’ve hit rock bottom.  Like an addict, I can’t stop coming back for one more fix.  I’m not talking about the holiday classics or movies with actual plots or thoughtful dialogue.  I can enjoy those without overdoing it.  It’s the ones starring former child stars or completely contrived story lines where the girl gets the guy, Santa comes to the rescue, and they all live happily ever after – those are the ones that have me jonesin’. 

If you actually see me at all during the holiday season, it will be a miracle because between the viewing schedules of the Hallmark Channel, Lifetime, and ABC Family I’m having a hard time finding the will to leave my house.  I almost hyperventilated yesterday when I got back from the gym and realized I missed the only showing thus far this season of “Recipe for a Perfect Christmas.”  In this gem, an ambitious and straight-laced food critic comes to terms with her abandonment issues by spending the holiday with her irrepressible mother and of course manages to find an attractive, sweet, up and coming chef, fall in love, and land the job of her dreams.    It’s sappy and sugary and I feel completely guilty watching it and I totally can’t help myself. 

At this point I feel the need to admit something that feels even more embarrassing than my addiction to cheesy romantic holiday flicks.  I think it’s only fair after revealing in my previous posts the flaws and follies of the fellows I’ve dated.  So here it is: I have never, ever, in my 30-something years had a relationship during the holidays.  Bizarre surely for someone my age and who dates as compulsively, yet ultimately unsuccessfully as I do, but it is the truth. 

I realized this the other day after a gluttonous viewing of “A Boyfriend for Christmas” and “Snow Globe.” The plot of the first really is exactly as it sounds and in the latter, a woman irritated with her imperfect family and obsessed with the idea of a perfect Christmas, dreams her way into a snow globe and a perfect Christmas with a perfect guy only to realize that what she thought was perfect, of course wasn’t entirely perfect.  And somehow in between the dreams and the snow globe, she of course meets a great guy and they live happily ever after.  Wow, seeing it written like that has me wondering how I could have sat thru that movie.  And yet I know, deep in my heart of hearts that if I’m home the next time it’s on, I’ll be powerless to resist.

At first I thought my math had to be wrong; at some point from high school thru adulthood, I must have been in a relationship on Christmas, New Year’s, or Valentine’s Day.  But nope, I’ve reviewed the data and it’s conclusive.  I’ve had some near misses along the way.  I almost got back together with a high school ex-boyfriend over Christmas but came to my senses in time.  The closest I came was several years ago when I was dumped two weeks before Christmas—of course this was after I had already bought his gifts but somehow before he bought mine.  I’ve also been dumped one week before Valentine’s Day but just by a guy I had started dating after the New Year. 

Casually dating this time of year is a little perilous.  Things seem more romantic, more sentimental, and more fraught with meaning than they do during the rest of the year.  Add that with a dangerously high diet of watching sugary sap about how the perfect guy will be delivered to my doorstop by St. Nick and there’s no way to avoid disappointment. 

Now, I understand that all those in relationships aren’t necessarily living Norman Rockwell-inspired lives during the holidays.  With some couples, I’m amazed they don’t kill each other by the time Christmas actually gets here.  There’s just so much work that goes into the present buying and wrapping, decorating, baking, card writing, party attending, etc.  Trying to find a parking spot at the mall alone is enough to end in assault charges, let alone spending significant amounts of time with your in-laws wearing holiday sweaters and pretending to enjoy the crap they buy you.

The problem is that although my rational self realizes being in a relationship isn’t necessarily better than not being in a relationship, it is during the holidays more than any other time of year that it feels like there’s something wrong with being single.  As a precaution and also because of the sheer amount of holiday stuff that has to get done, I tend to go on fewer dates.  I don’t want to end up just sticking with a guy so that I have someone to be with over the holidays.  Civilians shouldn’t be exposed to my family during this time of year unless it is absolutely necessary and it’s really too much to go through for a guy for who I only have lukewarm feelings.  I’m still talking to a few guys on Physics* and may actually go out again with Bruce* (see I Kinda Liked It Better When My Dates Were Insane for more details) but I’m not really feeling it.

And to be brutally and painfully honest, there’s still that part of me that’s waiting for Santa to deliver the perfect guy with a big, red bow.  I just hope he delivers him soon enough so that he can get stuck writing the Christmas cards and I can get back to my holiday movie watching.   

*Name has been changed.