Mr. Twilight has been Eclipsed

The final nail in the coffin so to speak was when he forwarded me a list of upcoming entertainment events in the area and it included an ad for a Twilight convention in D.C.  

I met Mr. Twilight (aka Franklin*) back before New Year’s Eve on our very first date.  To recap briefly, he was charming and funny and had about a billion hobbies, including a disconcerting love of vampires and the Twilight saga (see Curse of the Toxic Wine Bar for more info).  What he didn’t have was that certain j’ne sais quois or chemistry-ish spark.  I liked hanging out with him but I wasn’t excited to see him again.  That being said, I recognized that first impressions can be tinged with nervousness and he was pretty fun so I decided in favor of a second date.

Unfortunately, he became the second guy to stand me up that weekend in mid-January.  We hadn’t set a specific time or location to meet but had generally agreed on a Sunday evening which I dutifully set aside and then heard nothing from him as the date approached.  A week or two later he emailed to say that he was sorry that his flights back from snowboarding out west that weekend had been delayed and he should have texted or called but he forgot. 

Since he did seem pretty swell and my expectations had been tempered by my recent encounter with the potential satanic worshiping poop-lover (see Deal with the Devil for more info), I decided to give Franklin* another go but unfortunately due to the insanity in both of our schedules we couldn’t meet up again until a few weeks ago.  At that point all I could really remember about him was that he liked very odd board games, volleyball, and vampires.  That third point was reinforced when he asked to make our second date a little later in the evening so he could go home and watch an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  To the uninformed, I must relay that Buffy (a truly exceptional program) has been off the air for oh, about 10 years.  And that if he was a real fan, as I suspected he was, he probably had the whole series on DVD anyway.  So it is highly odd that he would need to delay our date that had been delayed for two months to watch an episode of a t.v. show that has been in syndication for 10 years.  But I digress.

As work had continued to suck the very life from my veins and rendered me incapable of making decisions, I left the event planning up to him.  He chose sushi for the event and a local restaurant near the both of us as the location.  This makes it even stranger to me that he then spent a significant portion of the evening commenting on the expensiveness of the menu items.  I mean if the costs is that much of a concern, why not choose a less expensive type of food?  Not even the jumbo pitcher of sake mitigated his unhappiness with the prices.  A little aghast I offered repeatedly to contribute to the bill, particularly as I had begun to see our ‘relationship’ as heading solidly in the friend direction, but he would have none of that.  The conversation, other than mentions of the price of the meal, was fairly pleasant but not as enchanting as I remembered from our first date.  Rather than seeming as a renaissance man with many different interests, he came across as someone who had no time for anyone or anything that didn’t conform to his schedule and interests. 

This could, of course, have something to do with my rapidly increasing and hopeless-feeling crush on the Dog Whisperer.  There’s not a lot of potential matches on my horizon right now, but the best any of them can hope for at this point is a distant second to DW (see “Stalking the Dog Whisperer” and “Dorks Anonymous” for more info).  And yes, I am still too superstitious about it to say anything so there will be no further updates on that situation for the time being.

I will, however, provide an update to the melodramatic relationships I have with a string of personal trainers (see “It’s Not Me, It's You” for more info).  That’s right folks, I was stood up by yet another personal trainer.  I was supposed to meet the tatted up trainer number two this past Friday but he “got mixed up” and then was surprised that I didn’t want to hang out the gym waiting for him for an additional 90 minutes as he attempted to come from Germantown across the always-daunting Capitol Beltway to my gym.  During rush hour.  On a Friday.  I have now been given yet another new trainer and yet another free session.  We’re scheduled to meet tomorrow for our first of three sessions.  At this point I’ll be more surprised if he actually shows at all, let alone shows up remotely on time.  

*Name has been changed.

It’s Not Me, It’s You

I’ve been trying to break up with my trainer for almost a week.  Actually to be honest, I’ve been trying to break up with him for a couple of months.  We just don’t have the same spark that we used to.  I see the way he looks at his other clients, with hope that they will obey his insane eating regimen and that sadistic smile that he used to have just for me.  The end started when he double-booked during my appointment and then tried to speed my session up to get to the next one too quickly.  That was annoying enough but then came the time for our last session in December when he stood me up.  No call, no explanation.  Nothing. 

I swore I wouldn’t take him back but then he came crawling back with apologies and promises of a free session to make it up to me.  And God help me, but I believed him.  We had one session and it was ok I guess.  The thrill was definitely gone.  Then I got the flu and canceled our last session (although I will note that I called him the day before to cancel even though I had to make time between my feverish viewing of bizarre History channel specials and intense vomiting schedule to call him).   As my health improved nominally, my work life spiraled rapidly out of control and I was lucky to have time to sleep and walk my faithful canine let alone to have a personal fitness session (this also has had a toll on my ability to date potential matches and probable psychotics). 

Anyway, I saw the trainer at the gym the week before last and he was singing my praises again, saying how much he missed me and how anxious he was to start working with me again.  I fell for it again and booked the seemingly never-ending last session for this past Tuesday.  Guess what happened next?  That’s right, he didn’t show.  Again.

I was beyond fed up and told the gym I just wanted to cancel that last session and call it a day.  Instead, the gym who has become like a persistent and incompetent matchmaker decided to give me a new trainer and two free sessions.  They introduced me to my new trainer.  While I highly enjoyed his tats, I have to admit the workout was kind of meh.  It was more him talking about his fitness and diet philosophies (he saw lots of protein shakes in my future but since I don’t think they are supposed to include vodka or real chocolate, I don’t think that’s going to happen) and then showing me random stretches.  Then he gave me his digits and told me to text him with the days I wanted to meet next. 

But even then he was into making things difficult.  He lives like 40 miles away and said he only wanted to come train me if he was already training someone else.  Not the most seductive of proposals, I have to tell you. 

The following evening, I get a message from Old Trainer saying that we were supposed to have an appointment that evening and that he guessed I couldn’t make it and wanted to reschedule.  Highly confused, I left him another message saying that our appointment had been for the day before, and then awkwardly hemmed and hawed about how the gym gave me New Trainer and that I hadn’t asked for him and was really sorry, but I guessed I was working with New Trainer and that I wished him the best and would see him around.

I thought that would kinda be the end of it because although this has become like a very awkward relationship it is a financial one with clearly defined roles and responsibilities.  I pay him to make me work out and he does so and I complain but try not to complain too loudly as it tends to make him become more sadistic.  All of that is contingent on him showing up and making me work out. 

But I apparently am irresistible to trainers sensing my overwhelming guilt at my physical appearance and lack of general tone-y-ness and my inability to break off a relationship that has passed its prime long ago.  I say this because last night, Old Trainer left a seven minute message on my voicemail apologizing for the mix-up, saying that he was pretty sure our appointment was for Wednesday but that if he was in any way responsible for the confusion he felt horrible, yadda, yadda, and to make up for it would like to give me another free session.

So now I have to decide between two trainers, neither of who I am interested in, both of whom are vying for my attention and throwing free sessions at me.  And much like I feel when posed with similar dating situations, I really just want to run away from both of them and quit the gym so I don’t have to see them and deal with any more awkwardness.

Anyway, that’s all I got for now.  I will have to tell you later about my most recent date with Mr. Twilight (see Curse of the Toxic Wine Bar for more info).

Dorks Anonymous

If you haven’t met me in real life you’ll have to take my word for this, but I am truly a dork.  My dorkiness has been confirmed of late by my completely pre-teen like behavior with regards to the Dog Whisperer (see Stalking the Dog Whisperer post and comments for back story).  I don’t want to even talk about it too much as I don’t want to jinx it.  GAH! I’m one step away from leaving a note on his door saying “Do You Like ME? Circle Yes or No.” 

We’ve now progressed to having talked together for over 10 minutes at a time, he’s crossed the street to come talk to me (a MAJOR improvement from previously when he would cross the street to avoid me and my dog who was violently opposed to his dog), and now actually walking together.  Yes, that’s right, after months of me intermittently mooning over him, we’ve now walked around the block together.  And I was so excited that I did a happy booty dance in my kitchen following said walk and am afraid that several passers-by might have observed the happy booty dance.  Right on cue, my friend and co-conspirator who has been trying for months to get more info on DW and throw me into his path, called to discuss the walk as she and her husband both had observed said walk.  But that’s all I’m going to say for now as again, I’m a dork, and I don’t want to jinx this.  And still have not confirmed that he is in fact single.  Or remotely interested in me.

In other news, Mr. Twilight may be making a return appearance as he sufficiently explained semi-standing me up on our last date (see Curse of the Toxic Wine Bar for more info).  He continues to be delightfully witty in his emails and we are trying to meet up again soon.

And finally, I’m about ready to kick my one remaining dating site to the curb.  Barrel of Monkeys* has been sketchy at best since I joined it a few months ago (see Weird Science for info on my dual dating site debacle).  This definitely may have been a case of getting what you pay for since that joint was free.  Recent matches who have wanted to meet include a guy who had a picture of himself dressed as a pirate (and it seemed to be more of an everyday wardrobe choice rather than costume) and Dick.*  Dick* approached me last week but it was almost too much for me to comprehend.  First, the profile pics included one of him posed in front of a waterfall whilst looking pensive and another picture of him pretending to sleep.  The email he sent me simply said “Can you handle a guy like me?”  When I checked out his profile, it prompted me to answer “No.”   His profile looked something like the following:

I am just an ambitious outdoorsy professional athlete trying to change the world the best way I know.  Ask whatever you wish of me and it shall be granted.  The real problem is, I am also a die hard romantic! Alas! it seems women have lost a taste for that. Why is that? Granted I see lots of lovely ladies on here, and I am a sucker for your beautiful eyes. But if you really want all the stuff you claim you do, look no further for..Here I am!  You are the only thing stopping you here.  Not me.  You. Turn up the speakers from your heart and decrease the ones from your brain. I will see you somewhere in the middle!?!  Women have no idea how to seduce and be seduced.  You are more girls than women.  Why?