Personal Assistant Required

Wanted: Personal assistant to help organize my chaotic dating life.  Must have excellent organizational skills, be an active and good listener, and a creative thinker who can roll with the punches (not literal; I’m not often prone to violence and if it comes to that, I’m more likely to kick than punch).  Pay will be in form of high-fives for jobs well done as well as occasional baked goods, if I feel like it. 

Clearly things have gotten out of control.  That is certain.  I was having a hard time coping with the one dating site I had joined and the decision to join another has exacerbated my frustration and confusion.  I’ve never been a terribly organized person.  I fully admit my ability to excel in procrastination while others merely dabble in the art.  While I enjoy making a good “to do” list as much as the next woman, it is infrequent that all of my “to do” list gets “to done.”

I finally recognized that things had gotten this bad this past weekend.  Now to put things in a little context, I’ve had a couple of instances where a guy will contact me on one site and then a few months or years later, that same guy will contact me when I’m a member of a dating website.  This happened with this guy who found me on Mismatch* and then later on a free site I joined.  That dude came on WAY too strong, WAY too fast.  The details are fuzzy now but I do remember that Mr. Ticket* was obsessed with inviting me to events and he always seemed to have an extra ticket for things.  He also always wanted to meet in very out-of-the-way places before said event to make sure that he got the ticket to me.  As he emailed these details I could hear the theme song to “Psycho” playing in my head so I never took him up on any of his offers. 

But the most recent incident is slightly more disturbing as to what it says to my power of recall when it comes to my social life.  If you read my post “Beware the Ides of March” you may recall me talking about a guy on a previous site who talked excessively about his Mercedes and who I wasn’t sure if we had ever met in person.  I guess its not surprising that over a year later, I still don't recall all the salient details. 

I was just approached on the site Physics* by a guy who seemed like one I’d definitely like to get to know.  His profile was funny and approachable and his pictures showed a cute guy with a variety of interests.  There was something about him that seemed familiar but I’m honestly communicating with too many prospective suitors on this site to remember all of them, particularly the ones I haven’t met yet; don't get all excited though about the hordes of guys you think I'll be dating.  While I may communicate with a bunch at first, the wear and tear of the dating sites lower the chances of meeting all these guys.  So, back to this particular potential suitor, I clicked on the button for “interested” and went on about my merry way.  But something in the depths of my semi-consciousness kept bugging me until I figured out that this guy from Physics* and the guy with the Mercedes were the same exact guy.  And I still can’t remember if I’ve actually gone on a date with him.

This leaves me in a bit of a pickle.  Do I attempt to talk to this guy who seems interesting?  Even if I may have potentially gone out with him before which maybe he would realize if we met up this time?  And I would probably act like a total goober as I’d be super paranoid that he was waiting to give me a ration of crap for not remembering him or that I would get all angry that he didn’t remember me? 

All of this could have been solved if I had a personal assistant who took copious notes of my encounters with these men and helped me quickly decide which ones I wanted to try and which should be avoided.  Maybe the assistant could even be the one to stare at my phone waiting for it to ring from either of my two dates from last week who have yet to call.  But that, my friends, is another story for another day.  If you know of any personal assistants willing to organize my social life for little or no pay, bad hours, plus she or he has to listen to me whine excessively on the status of said social life, I’m currently accepting resumes.

*Name has been changed

Two Things I Never Thought I’d Hear

 When you think of smooth lines a guy is sure to try on a lady he is attempting to woo, did you ever think they would include the following sentences?

1. “Yesterday I neutered a chinchilla.”

2. “Last month I gave a snake a bunch of enemas.”

As I value entertaining my readers far more than I value my personal safety apparently (and despite what I try to tell myself I have not given up actually meeting a guy I dig who digs me before I reconcile myself to maiden aunthood), I jumped back on the horse last week and met another fella from one of my two current online dating subscriptions.  I decided to go with the site with a fee for my reentry into dating life since the disastrous golfing date with Glen* was from a free site.  So I chose Brick* from Physics.*  Brick* and I had emailed back and forth a few times but I have to admit that I was emailing quite a few guys at the same time on that site and they had all started to blend into one.  I remembered that Brick* was from the South and that his parents still lived there but I couldn’t remember precisely what he did for a living when I agreed to meet up with him for lunch last week. 

I had learned that Brick* was a man of few words.  His emails were way shorter than the other guys I chatted with – Brick* didn’t have a lot of free time and kept his messages short and…well, not sweet exactly but definitely short.  His 2^nd to last email was approximately 4 lines.  He answered a question I asked in a previous note, confirmed that we were meeting 2 days from then, and then closed off with saying “Yesterday I neutered a chinchilla.”

I cannot express how relieved I was when I checked his profile and confirmed that he was in fact a veterinarian and not just a guy with a deeply weird hobby.

I titled my return message to him “That’s a First” and explained in my equally brief note that I had never had anyone tell me that they had neutered a chinchilla before.  His reply, sent the day before we were to meet, was “Last month I gave a snake a bunch of enemas.”  This is far and away one of the most disturbing and intriguing things I have heard.   My mind still boggles at the thought.  I think that was actually one of the first things I asked him when I met him the following day.  How do you give a snake an enema?  Do you often have to give snakes enemas?  Did this one dislike it heavily or was he more agnostic about the process? 

I figured that Brick* had to either have an extremely quirky sense of humor (which I would dig) or be a very strange guy.  He was neither of these things actually.  He was a really decent guy, wicked tall and huge, a slight southern accent, occasionally made this weird throat clearing “ahem” sound after long sentences…and that’s about it.  We had a good conversation at first but it started to feel a little contrived about half way through.   Perhaps I peppered him too much with questions about his work (at some point I realized that talking about enemas was probably not a good sign on a first date).  Neither of us seemed too terribly smitten with the other.  We had a good lunch, okay conversation, he offered to and paid for lunch which was lovely, and then he walked with me in the direction of where my car was parked, telling me to have a nice day before he walked off to his own ride. 

There was no follow up call or indication of interest on either side really.  I probably would have gone out with him again to hear some more interesting work stories or at least to figure out how in the hell you give a snake an enema.

Whoa.  I need to think about that for a minute.  My dating life has come to the point where I would willingly go out again with someone who showed no interest me, in whom I was really not interested in order to find out how to do something I really hope I never ever have to do.  Well I guess there are worse things.  I wouldn’t have a long term relationship with such a guy just to find out bizarre facts in case I ever have to compete in the weirdest trivia contest ever.  But I did find him interesting enough to spend an afternoon or two with to learn his stories and expand my horizons in a way I never thought possible.

 

*Name has been changed

Weird Science

To more scientifically attack the problem that is my dating life and to probably hasten the complete abandonment of my sanity, I am attempting to be a member of two dating sites simultaneously.  This makes complete sense since I was already annoyed with the dating site that I joined a few weeks ago, why not join another one?  Sigh.  But to make this a more scientific study, one of the sites has a fee and one is free; this way I can try to see if the phrase “you get what you pay for” is accurate. 

Thus far, the site with a fee which we’ll call Physics* is crazily annoying.  I can’t block men who don’t have pictures attached to their profile, I get matched up with men named “New Member,” and apparently geography is different in the world of Physics* as the 50 mile limit I have placed on my matches has resulted in me being matched with men in New Jersey and North Carolina even though both are WAY beyond 50 miles.  I am emailing a few prospects right now.  None really stand out so far but as I’ve learned, this is a marathon not a sprint. 

In the wacko category, this site has already brought me a man who’s profile picture featured him standing in front of a row of teddy bears (See “How Not To Adorn Your Dating Profile” ) and this latest gem who had a picture of himself half naked and sent me the following email:

“i am single lonely man. I thought I would make first contact. I’ve always been approached. Check out my profile and let me know”

Act now, customers, and you could respond to this next gentleman who’s profile picture focused in solely on his forehead and who sent me the following opener:

“I True Man whith lots of drems, lots of happiness wiht a big heart to give to the one that’s real and dont play games whith life.” 

And this was from the site that charges a fee.

Its really too early to tell if my latest foray into the free dating website free fall which we’ll call Barrel of Monkeys* is any better.  The site has featured even more personality and relationship tests than Physics* but the results don’t seem to impact the guys that I’m matched with.  Plus it appears that anyone can attempt to contact anyone until you really get your filters in gear.  As a result, within the first 5 minutes of joining I had received 7 emails from a variety of guys living in various parts of the country.  Guys on this site seem to be a little more direct with their intentions but thus far the ick factor hasn’t exceeded any other site I’ve been on.  There’s only been one match that I’ve been interested in so far on that site but it’s hard to tell if he’s still a member of the site or just a profile they have running to make gullible women like me agree to put their profiles on the site. 

I’m trying to psych myself up to meet some of these jokers in ‘the real world’ but since my last date was the crazy golfer who actually made me fear for my safety, I hope you won’t think less of me for being a little reluctant to dive back in to the dating pool.  I’ll be sure to keep you posted on how the two sites compare and when I get the gumption to meet any of these guys in a very public place with no sharp instruments or blunt instruments either, I’m sure there will be an interesting story to pass along. 

*Name has been changed