We lost a family member last night and I'm still sort of in shock. Like, I know it happened and she's gone but I keep thinking that this can't be right. When she became part of my family I was a brat. I was mad because she was selling the house I'd grown up in and I had loved that house. Then she stole my brother away who I adored. He was the last one at home with me and she took him and I didn't like that one little bit.
When they first got together, she went out of her way to be kind to me, to get to know me. She didn't chide me for being rude, she just went about her way of trying to get us to be friends. Although she won me over pretty soon after they got together, it wasn't until later in life I realized how she had helped my brother. He had some loud and nasty demons that he managed to conquer and she helped him keep them at bay. I didn't always understand what they had together but I think that's the way relationships are; you can't ever really understand one when you're looking from the outside. I always knew that they loved each other and loved all of us.
The thing is, I think she was like me in that she was afraid of a lot of things. She worried so much about things within her control and beyond. Unfortunately, her fears and worries overwhelmed her to where she started to withdraw a bit. She didn't do enough for herself to deal with those worries, put them into perspective, and take care of her health. You wouldn't see her much outside the house and she was always ill. Although we didn't know it, I think that was when her heart troubles started.
I'm sure that there are all sorts of scientific reasons why she became so ill and passed away but I keep coming back to this idea that her worries gnawed at her and her poor heart couldn't deal with all of the fears that consumed her. So now she is in a better place, a place where she'll know no fear; a place where she'll be at peace. I picture her reunited with her parents and the dogs she loved and lost. Although I miss her and wish she hadn't left us so soon, I like to think that my family up in heaven has made room for in that Great Bingo Hall in the sky and now she will look out for us and try to keep us safe. That may be a childish sort of thing to believe but I don't care; that's just how I see it.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
Keep On Running
There is no way to make sense of what happened today in Boston. It seems impossible to believe that someone could want to kill and injure so many people, from toddlers to senior citizens, but that is the way with each senseless, violent crime that takes our breath away with its terrible cruelty.
The first instinct of many seems to be to find someone to blame. Of course someone (or several some ones) is responsible but this thing just happened hours ago. Have we been so conditioned by the 24 hour "noose" cycle that we expect/demand answers instantly and when we don't have them, we let our basest prejudices convince us that whoever did this must be foreign, different, not like us? Or is it the 24 hour "noose" cycle itself that perpetuates these prejudices? Salacious and extreme headlines designed to garner attention not to help uncover the truth.
Here's what I know: this was a tragedy and my thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their families. What gives me hope though is the amount of people rushing toward the blast to do whatever they could to help whoever needed it. I firmly believe that while there is surely evil in this world, it is far outweighed by the good.
With that, I must turn off the news and the Interwebz as seeing another conspiracy theory or more hate-filled insanity designed to inflame tensions will not right this terrible wrong. Heartfelt prayers and acts of kindness are far better ways to show that though there are some twisted souls who want to cause destruction and death, there are more brave, steadfast and caring people who will help rebuild.
Here's one inspiring story before bedtime: “After you've run 26 miles you're not going to stop." 78-yr old, knocked down by blast, finished race.
P.S. A few orgs are already posting ways to help: NBC blog, Huffington Post.
The first instinct of many seems to be to find someone to blame. Of course someone (or several some ones) is responsible but this thing just happened hours ago. Have we been so conditioned by the 24 hour "noose" cycle that we expect/demand answers instantly and when we don't have them, we let our basest prejudices convince us that whoever did this must be foreign, different, not like us? Or is it the 24 hour "noose" cycle itself that perpetuates these prejudices? Salacious and extreme headlines designed to garner attention not to help uncover the truth.
Here's what I know: this was a tragedy and my thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their families. What gives me hope though is the amount of people rushing toward the blast to do whatever they could to help whoever needed it. I firmly believe that while there is surely evil in this world, it is far outweighed by the good.
With that, I must turn off the news and the Interwebz as seeing another conspiracy theory or more hate-filled insanity designed to inflame tensions will not right this terrible wrong. Heartfelt prayers and acts of kindness are far better ways to show that though there are some twisted souls who want to cause destruction and death, there are more brave, steadfast and caring people who will help rebuild.
Here's one inspiring story before bedtime: “After you've run 26 miles you're not going to stop." 78-yr old, knocked down by blast, finished race.
P.S. A few orgs are already posting ways to help: NBC blog, Huffington Post.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Do One Thing Every Day that Scares You
I'm sort of afraid of everything. I mean, I'm not like terrified of everything but I'm afraid of way too many things. These aren't crippling fears (like my date that was afraid of electricity) but they make me way too nervous.
I'm afraid of the normal things, like elevators, sharks, choking on something in my house with no one to do the Heimlich, needles, my dog getting sick or dying, me turning into a cranky and notorious spinster, and birds. Alright, I know that the bird thing is weird but I fear birds in captivity, like at the zoo in the aviary where you can walk through and birds fly right over your head. I fear that they'll decide they need their freedom and will peck my eyes out to enable an escape. And truthfully, I'm afraid of geese in and out of captivity. When I briefly lived in Bethesda, I had to walk past this mother goose and her babies on my way to the metro. Even though I didn't even look at them and certainly made no threatening gestures towards her or her babies, the mother goose would go berserk on me. That thing chased me to the metro every morning, hissing and flapping her wings.
But I'm also afraid of going anywhere new. I get extremely nervous when I have to go to a meeting or conference somewhere that I'm not familiar with; I would rather stay at home and stare at the walls than go somewhere new. I think that fear probably boils down to my overwhelming fear of embarrassing myself. I have a very distinct memory of being in some shop with my sister in England and seeing these little cards that say things about people born on certain days. It said that people with my birthday are easily embarrassed at almost anything. I even got embarrassed reading that.
I am terrified of what people think about me. I over-analyze what people say to me and how they say it, worrying that they think I'm crazy or stupid or annoying. I know that sounds nuts but I'm afraid of making a fool of myself or making people angry or frustrated with me like all the time.
Perhaps most of all, I'm afraid of people finding out how nervous and uncertain I am, how much I worry about their opinion of me. That's why I'm writing this. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Do one thing every day that scares you." This is my thing for today.
I'm afraid of the normal things, like elevators, sharks, choking on something in my house with no one to do the Heimlich, needles, my dog getting sick or dying, me turning into a cranky and notorious spinster, and birds. Alright, I know that the bird thing is weird but I fear birds in captivity, like at the zoo in the aviary where you can walk through and birds fly right over your head. I fear that they'll decide they need their freedom and will peck my eyes out to enable an escape. And truthfully, I'm afraid of geese in and out of captivity. When I briefly lived in Bethesda, I had to walk past this mother goose and her babies on my way to the metro. Even though I didn't even look at them and certainly made no threatening gestures towards her or her babies, the mother goose would go berserk on me. That thing chased me to the metro every morning, hissing and flapping her wings.
But I'm also afraid of going anywhere new. I get extremely nervous when I have to go to a meeting or conference somewhere that I'm not familiar with; I would rather stay at home and stare at the walls than go somewhere new. I think that fear probably boils down to my overwhelming fear of embarrassing myself. I have a very distinct memory of being in some shop with my sister in England and seeing these little cards that say things about people born on certain days. It said that people with my birthday are easily embarrassed at almost anything. I even got embarrassed reading that.
I am terrified of what people think about me. I over-analyze what people say to me and how they say it, worrying that they think I'm crazy or stupid or annoying. I know that sounds nuts but I'm afraid of making a fool of myself or making people angry or frustrated with me like all the time.
Perhaps most of all, I'm afraid of people finding out how nervous and uncertain I am, how much I worry about their opinion of me. That's why I'm writing this. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Do one thing every day that scares you." This is my thing for today.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Warning Signs: Time for Action, Avoidance and/or Alcohol
Here are some signs that mean you better get your damn house in order:
- Your therapist/stylist/coworker tells you that you look tired.
- When people ask you about your love life, they don't even wait for the answer before they get their sympathetic face going.
- Laundry doesn't make it out of a wad in the laundry basket for days/weeks at a time.
- You can't remember what you wanted to do when you grow up.
- Everyone around you seems to have accomplished a major life goal: marriage, children, graduate degrees, dream career
- Even your dog/cat looks annoyed at being the constant attendee to your pity party.
So when all those things happen in the space of a week or two, that's when you may be tempted to have a full-blown nervous breakdown. When you really need to worry is when you're too exhausted to get worked up over your ability to put a check mark next to all of those things.
I've been feeling pretty meh lately. Like I'm stuck in some sort of cosmic waiting room with really old magazines, awful lighting and hateful earworm inducing music. Or like I'm trapped in the less exciting parts of the movie Groundhog Day. You know, the one with Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell? Where even though you are extremely annoyed by how she pronounces the word "poetry" and her general aura, you are still a sucker for watching the movie every time it appears on cable TV? Well that's where I'm at lately.
So what's the answer? More dating websites? Actually going to a function organized by a Meetup group rather than just receiving and deleting emails about said groups and their events? Tossing everything aside to really crank my book (at least one of them) out?
I honestly don't know. It's as if I'm in a sequester-fester. All the indecision in Washington and how it impacts my life and the lives of those around me seems to have permeated my views on life and ability to do something of substance.
For now I think the temporary answer is to go to bed, catch up on some sleep, hope that my dog has forgiven me for going away this past weekend and that when I wake up tomorrow, Sonny and Cher won't be singing in the background while annoying DJ's talk about Punxsatawney Phil.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Trainwrecks and Cake for Dinner
It is a very strange thing to watch a loved one about to crash very, very hard and be unable to stop it. You try to do what you can, say the things you think need to be said, holding on so tight, throw her every lifesaver you know of to keep her afloat, but you know it won't work. You can see the fall coming and are wincing and cringing your way through the day. Maybe if you're extra nice to everyone and do some unspecified acts of kindness for strangers, maybe you can arrest the fall. Maybe if you pray extra hard it won't happen.
I wonder if this is what it feels like to be a parent and see your kid doing things that you know are so stupid that you feel like you must stop them but you know you can't. If you keep cushioning them on the falls, they won't be able to survive if you're not around to smooth things over.
In this case though I know that there's nothing I can do to make this situation different. You can't shake someone into sanity or tell a depressed person to be happy. I mean, of course you could try it but it won't do any good. So what do you do? Do you play along and pretend that everything is just grand? Do you rant and scream and rage as she starts to slip? Do you sit this one out and look the other way?
I don't know the answer so I ate some cake for dinner and am going to bed early. Then in the morning I will get up, force myself to get out of bed and face the day head on, balls to the wall. It's not that much of a plan but it's something.
This trainwreck is going to happen whether I want it to or not and at this point, I will not stick my fingers in my ears and scrunch my eyes shut. I want to look that batshit crazy conductor in the eye as the train hurtles toward me. For I am slowly but surely learning that I can't control the ups and the seemingly endless downs that come my way, but I can control how I face these things.
I wonder if this is what it feels like to be a parent and see your kid doing things that you know are so stupid that you feel like you must stop them but you know you can't. If you keep cushioning them on the falls, they won't be able to survive if you're not around to smooth things over.
In this case though I know that there's nothing I can do to make this situation different. You can't shake someone into sanity or tell a depressed person to be happy. I mean, of course you could try it but it won't do any good. So what do you do? Do you play along and pretend that everything is just grand? Do you rant and scream and rage as she starts to slip? Do you sit this one out and look the other way?
I don't know the answer so I ate some cake for dinner and am going to bed early. Then in the morning I will get up, force myself to get out of bed and face the day head on, balls to the wall. It's not that much of a plan but it's something.
This trainwreck is going to happen whether I want it to or not and at this point, I will not stick my fingers in my ears and scrunch my eyes shut. I want to look that batshit crazy conductor in the eye as the train hurtles toward me. For I am slowly but surely learning that I can't control the ups and the seemingly endless downs that come my way, but I can control how I face these things.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Dog Poo and Probably Way Too Much Introspection
You know when you have one of those days? The kind where you realize too late that there is a hole in your dog's poo bag and that kind of sets the stage for the rest of the day? The kind where you almost put salsa on your English muffin and peanut butter rather than strawberry jam? The kind where they shut off the water to your office building so that a trip to the bathroom involves a coat, a brisk sprint across the parking lot and two badges? The kind where you look out into the great abyss and see everyone that you know is moving forward with their lives whilst you are standing in the freezing cold, staring stupidly at the dog poo on your hand?
Yep, it's that kind of a Monday. Or rather I guess it technically is Tuesday. I always get mixed up with long weekends. Especially long weekends where I spend my day off writing articles, cleaning the house, trying to work on my resume, and glumly looking at more rejection notices from job applications where I never made it beyond the initial resume phase (hence the working on the resume).
And then you find out your oldest friend in the world, the one who agreed to marry you at the age of 5 if you were both really old (like 30) and weren't married, has a kid. Not just has a kid but has a daughter who is nearly 2 years old. And extremely adorable. For some reason, this knowledge has kind of struck me dumbfounded. I am literally sitting here, slack-jawed and incoherent. Not because I thought the now 30 year old contract (!!!) was still valid but because I had no idea that he had become a father.
It doesn't help that I have let my financial advisor (he is wonderfully competent and adorable when he tries to explain things to me and my eyes glaze over and I start to doodle) talk me out of quitting my job with no actual other job lined up. Then again, the sensible part of me--the one that tries to eat something more than pudding for dinner and go to bed early rather than watching old episodes of the West Wing--knew that this was what he was going to advise and that is probably why I went to see him before leaping off into the abyss.
He made some good points though and not just about how it's nice to be able to afford my mortgage and my dog's organic dog food. He said he can see that I'm serious about writing and that if that's what I want to do, that's what I should do. But that until I can convince someone to pay me a living wage doing that writing, that I should try to find a work environment that I enjoy and that will free me up for more time for the lovely writing. Although this makes sense, I'm kind of afraid that if I don't try it now, I'll never do it. Pull the band-aid off all in one fell swoop, jump without a safety net, etc.
The other thing that has me slightly bamboozled is that I was supposed to talk with my client tonight about the 2nd book I was going to write for him (whilst I'm still working on chapters for another book for him) and was nervous since when he and I spoke last, he asked if I was going to want to give him rights to all content. I was nervous because I didn't really want to do that but I do like working for him and didn't want things to be highly awkward.
Anyway, he started off the conversation by saying that he thinks I should write and publish the book myself. That it was my idea and he said it felt like he'd be taking my baby. He said he thought it would be a fun book and do well, then he gave me some advice and we chatted about his experiences in self-publishing and writing. Of course as soon as we hung up, self-doubt set in and I became convinced that he doesn't want to be involved in the book because he thinks it will be crap.
On that inspiring note, I better call it a night as it is a before-crack-o-dawn type day for me tomorrow. If you haven't gotten enough about me ranting about gender inequality (and how could that ever be possible), check out my latest article on The Snap Download and learn of my plans for making men wear more complicated outfits (cravats, hats and more!) so that we can hear reporters reduce them to their wardrobes and hairstyles rather than just hearing ad nauseum about the First Lady's bangs. You can also read an article where one of my fellow bloggers will teach you a fun new phrase in French.
So bonne nuit, mes amis. I'm feeling not so sensible and there's plenty of West Wing season 3 for me to still get thru.
Yep, it's that kind of a Monday. Or rather I guess it technically is Tuesday. I always get mixed up with long weekends. Especially long weekends where I spend my day off writing articles, cleaning the house, trying to work on my resume, and glumly looking at more rejection notices from job applications where I never made it beyond the initial resume phase (hence the working on the resume).
And then you find out your oldest friend in the world, the one who agreed to marry you at the age of 5 if you were both really old (like 30) and weren't married, has a kid. Not just has a kid but has a daughter who is nearly 2 years old. And extremely adorable. For some reason, this knowledge has kind of struck me dumbfounded. I am literally sitting here, slack-jawed and incoherent. Not because I thought the now 30 year old contract (!!!) was still valid but because I had no idea that he had become a father.
It doesn't help that I have let my financial advisor (he is wonderfully competent and adorable when he tries to explain things to me and my eyes glaze over and I start to doodle) talk me out of quitting my job with no actual other job lined up. Then again, the sensible part of me--the one that tries to eat something more than pudding for dinner and go to bed early rather than watching old episodes of the West Wing--knew that this was what he was going to advise and that is probably why I went to see him before leaping off into the abyss.
He made some good points though and not just about how it's nice to be able to afford my mortgage and my dog's organic dog food. He said he can see that I'm serious about writing and that if that's what I want to do, that's what I should do. But that until I can convince someone to pay me a living wage doing that writing, that I should try to find a work environment that I enjoy and that will free me up for more time for the lovely writing. Although this makes sense, I'm kind of afraid that if I don't try it now, I'll never do it. Pull the band-aid off all in one fell swoop, jump without a safety net, etc.
The other thing that has me slightly bamboozled is that I was supposed to talk with my client tonight about the 2nd book I was going to write for him (whilst I'm still working on chapters for another book for him) and was nervous since when he and I spoke last, he asked if I was going to want to give him rights to all content. I was nervous because I didn't really want to do that but I do like working for him and didn't want things to be highly awkward.
Anyway, he started off the conversation by saying that he thinks I should write and publish the book myself. That it was my idea and he said it felt like he'd be taking my baby. He said he thought it would be a fun book and do well, then he gave me some advice and we chatted about his experiences in self-publishing and writing. Of course as soon as we hung up, self-doubt set in and I became convinced that he doesn't want to be involved in the book because he thinks it will be crap.
On that inspiring note, I better call it a night as it is a before-crack-o-dawn type day for me tomorrow. If you haven't gotten enough about me ranting about gender inequality (and how could that ever be possible), check out my latest article on The Snap Download and learn of my plans for making men wear more complicated outfits (cravats, hats and more!) so that we can hear reporters reduce them to their wardrobes and hairstyles rather than just hearing ad nauseum about the First Lady's bangs. You can also read an article where one of my fellow bloggers will teach you a fun new phrase in French.
So bonne nuit, mes amis. I'm feeling not so sensible and there's plenty of West Wing season 3 for me to still get thru.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Weighty Matters
For those of you who enjoyed my post, You Are What You Eat?, where I talk about lifelong issues with weight and body issues, check out my latest article at The Snap Download, titled When I Am Queen of Everything. First of all, who wouldn't want to live in a world where I am Queen of Everything? I mean, seriously, people. Admit it, you're curious what it would be like. How many minions would I have, would running be a misdemeanor or a felony, would the rivers be filled with bourbon, would my dog Charlie be named Duke or maybe even Czar? Where was I?
Oh, yeah. So really the article is about my rage against people perpetuating negative body images, whether it's Howard Stern, discriminatory employers, or that darn liberal media (okay, not the real liberal media - the liberal-entertainment-for-news media). It seemed timely what with some of us having already fallen off the Resolution bandwagon and maybe feeling a little bad about it. Don't feel bad or guilty. Do what you can to lead a healthy life and if other people don't like the way you look, then they are clearly supporters of jackassery who would be boring as hell to hang out with anyway.
Oh, yeah. So really the article is about my rage against people perpetuating negative body images, whether it's Howard Stern, discriminatory employers, or that darn liberal media (okay, not the real liberal media - the liberal-entertainment-for-news media). It seemed timely what with some of us having already fallen off the Resolution bandwagon and maybe feeling a little bad about it. Don't feel bad or guilty. Do what you can to lead a healthy life and if other people don't like the way you look, then they are clearly supporters of jackassery who would be boring as hell to hang out with anyway.
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