Never Say Never…or You May Too May End Up Dating Yukon Cornelius

I had heard a couple friends mentioning joining free dating websites and I said I would definitely never do such a thing because you get what you pay for. Having made such a statement it was only a matter of time before I joined a free website. I can’t remember how I found OkCupid but I did find it and created my free profile and prepared to sort through even more crazies than I had on the sites that charge a fee.

One of the first guys I happened upon described himself as “fixing up my house some whenever I gets some cash. When I finish that up I’m debating some other options to broaden my horizons.” That coupled with a picture of himself with Carrot Top like hair holding a paper sack and standing next to a guy with teeth missing helped me realize that although this site did not charge a fee, there was definitely still a cost. I was very curious as to what was in the sack but since I decided the answer could have been something like “a human head” I decided against emailing him to find out.

The next guy had a picture of himself with a snake wrapped around his neck and he used his profile to talk about how much he liked to poop. He believed that this is when he gets his best thinking done, during an activity he referred to as “dropping some booty fruit.” Once he thought so hard he fell asleep and almost fell off of the toilet.

Compared to these first two members of the site I chanced upon, Jim* was Man of the Year. He really was an extremely nice guy, but a little bit off. Cute, but too skinny like one good hug would break him in two, he didn’t talk about his pet snake or pooping so he was already ahead in the game. He seemed like a bit of a loner, liked to hiking by himself for long periods of time and didn’t really talk about any close friends. We went out a few times but there were no sparks for me. I was slightly alarmed at his proclivity for giving himself tattoos, but other than that the really only negative thing was that he wanted to get really serious, really quickly and I wasn’t feeling the same way.

Next up was a doozy. Up until fairly recently, I had never really been into facial hair on guys. I mean on some guys it looked ok, but a full beard kinda weirded me out. When I started chatting with Christian* on the website, the current status of his facial hair was unclear. In one picture, he had a full dark beard. In another, he was clean-shaven. In yet another, he had a goatee. There were other intriguing things about him, such as playing guitar in a band, claims of inventing recipes featuring chocolate and bacon, and an interest in archaeology. I definitely wanted to meet this guy. By this point, however, I should have learned that it’s easy to have some chemistry on email but that you need to have an actual conversation with someone to see if there’s something worthwhile there. You also need to meet in real life to discover that he has the longest, bushiest, red beard possible. The type of beard that will collect food and beer foam without his knowledge or worse still that you will witness him take some crumbs from his beard and eat it.

It took me forever to figure out who he reminded me of. I had some time to ponder this as the minutes dragged on during our stilted conversation. He really didn’t find our conversation enjoyable. Or if he did, he chose to express this by staring at me with his mouth slightly ajar. I think of myself as being at least slightly humorous but not once on the date did he laugh or even smile. He just alternated between looking serious and looking semi-catatonic.

The date with Christian* was in January of this year and I was really racking my brain to figure out who he reminded me of; I had definitely seen him or someone like him in the not too distant past. I was pretty sure it was around Christmas time. That’s when it hit me: this guy was Yukon Cornelius from the animated classic Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer. You remember the guy – the arctic prospector with the pointy red mustache and bushy beard? Well I dated him.

Needless to say that was not a match made in heaven, I closed out that month being hit on by a man who I’m pretty sure was married. He traveled to DC quite frequently and wanted to meet up with me on his next trip. He is memorable only in delivering what has to be the best worst pickup lines I’ve had in quite some time. Here is a transcript of the email he sent me:
Hey! Please read my profile? I hope that you find me intriguing, as well. I think that the first thing I notice are your eyes. They are very sensitive and adventurous!
I travel to DC frequently and plan to be in town on February 7 thru 10. I thought that I might reach out to you to see if dinner or drinks might be of interest to you. If so, maybe we can talk. (I much prefer talking on email (and phone) rather than cupid)
I am a 55 yr old professional white male seeking an articulate woman who is honest, fun loving, adventurous, and has a great sense of humor. I'm not someone strange. I am just a nice guy who enjoys meeting new people and loves to laugh and have fun. Oh, and I love younger women who have depth and maturity. I do hope you like mature men who are stimulating intellectually, as well as physically.
If I have piqued your interest, please write back? Who knows? We might hit it off. I look forward to hearing from you.

While I do think I might need to consider older guys more than I have been since men my age seem to be looking for girls between the ages of barely legal and not old enough to rent a car, I decided to pass on this one despite his affinity for my sensitive and adventurous eyes. Next up, some more misses and how I almost became a puma (youngish cougar).
*Name has been changed