It’s Not Me, It’s You

I’ve been trying to break up with my trainer for almost a week.  Actually to be honest, I’ve been trying to break up with him for a couple of months.  We just don’t have the same spark that we used to.  I see the way he looks at his other clients, with hope that they will obey his insane eating regimen and that sadistic smile that he used to have just for me.  The end started when he double-booked during my appointment and then tried to speed my session up to get to the next one too quickly.  That was annoying enough but then came the time for our last session in December when he stood me up.  No call, no explanation.  Nothing. 

I swore I wouldn’t take him back but then he came crawling back with apologies and promises of a free session to make it up to me.  And God help me, but I believed him.  We had one session and it was ok I guess.  The thrill was definitely gone.  Then I got the flu and canceled our last session (although I will note that I called him the day before to cancel even though I had to make time between my feverish viewing of bizarre History channel specials and intense vomiting schedule to call him).   As my health improved nominally, my work life spiraled rapidly out of control and I was lucky to have time to sleep and walk my faithful canine let alone to have a personal fitness session (this also has had a toll on my ability to date potential matches and probable psychotics). 

Anyway, I saw the trainer at the gym the week before last and he was singing my praises again, saying how much he missed me and how anxious he was to start working with me again.  I fell for it again and booked the seemingly never-ending last session for this past Tuesday.  Guess what happened next?  That’s right, he didn’t show.  Again.

I was beyond fed up and told the gym I just wanted to cancel that last session and call it a day.  Instead, the gym who has become like a persistent and incompetent matchmaker decided to give me a new trainer and two free sessions.  They introduced me to my new trainer.  While I highly enjoyed his tats, I have to admit the workout was kind of meh.  It was more him talking about his fitness and diet philosophies (he saw lots of protein shakes in my future but since I don’t think they are supposed to include vodka or real chocolate, I don’t think that’s going to happen) and then showing me random stretches.  Then he gave me his digits and told me to text him with the days I wanted to meet next. 

But even then he was into making things difficult.  He lives like 40 miles away and said he only wanted to come train me if he was already training someone else.  Not the most seductive of proposals, I have to tell you. 

The following evening, I get a message from Old Trainer saying that we were supposed to have an appointment that evening and that he guessed I couldn’t make it and wanted to reschedule.  Highly confused, I left him another message saying that our appointment had been for the day before, and then awkwardly hemmed and hawed about how the gym gave me New Trainer and that I hadn’t asked for him and was really sorry, but I guessed I was working with New Trainer and that I wished him the best and would see him around.

I thought that would kinda be the end of it because although this has become like a very awkward relationship it is a financial one with clearly defined roles and responsibilities.  I pay him to make me work out and he does so and I complain but try not to complain too loudly as it tends to make him become more sadistic.  All of that is contingent on him showing up and making me work out. 

But I apparently am irresistible to trainers sensing my overwhelming guilt at my physical appearance and lack of general tone-y-ness and my inability to break off a relationship that has passed its prime long ago.  I say this because last night, Old Trainer left a seven minute message on my voicemail apologizing for the mix-up, saying that he was pretty sure our appointment was for Wednesday but that if he was in any way responsible for the confusion he felt horrible, yadda, yadda, and to make up for it would like to give me another free session.

So now I have to decide between two trainers, neither of who I am interested in, both of whom are vying for my attention and throwing free sessions at me.  And much like I feel when posed with similar dating situations, I really just want to run away from both of them and quit the gym so I don’t have to see them and deal with any more awkwardness.

Anyway, that’s all I got for now.  I will have to tell you later about my most recent date with Mr. Twilight (see Curse of the Toxic Wine Bar for more info).