What Eventually Drove Me to the Internet

Technically I had tried one of the dating websites before but I chickened out when it came time to actually meet any of these cyber dates. What eventually drove me back to the internet was how craptastic the expensive matching site ended up being. I figured if I was going to end up spending a lot of my free time meeting weirdos and having awkward meals, I should at least pay less to do so.

Before I can tell you about those exciting experiences, there’s one last date to describe from IJL: the parking lot pisser. Gary* and I met up in Ellicott City for drinks and eventually dinner. He was a pretty decent conversationalist and we had a good time. I wasn’t thrilled that he was a serious smoker but he was ok looking, had a fairly good sense of humor, and seemed fun.

The weirdest part was that we had actually met back in high school. My senior year in high school, I was in a play and it turned out that Gary* was an impressionable young freshman. I had absolutely no memory of him whatsoever but he remembered me and we had fun talking about that show and the people from both of our schools who were in it.

By our second date I started picking up that he had some fairly dramatic mood swings. We’d be going along all fine and dandy and then he would get really angry. I convinced myself that I was over-analyzing it and looking for things to be wrong when they weren’t. We went through a couple more dates like that, with things not feeling quite right but not being horribly bad enough for me to call it quits.

Fast forward to the first date when I actually let him pick me up at my house. He had said that I could pick the restaurant so I picked this fantastic restaurant/winery. As he helped me into his truck he started running down the place I had picked; apparently his friend had been there and said that the portions were too small. Gary* went on and on about this for the entire car ride. He kept grumbling that he might have to go to Wendy’s or Burger King afterward if he didn’t get enough food. A couple of times I tried to suggest a different place as I didn’t want to sit through dinner with someone sulking and complaining. But he was adamant. It was highly weird. To be followed in weirdness by his riding the bumper of the old people in the car in front of us, and flipping them off and cursing as they were making us late.

At this point I was highly nervous about the evening. More so than I had been on any previous date as now I was trapped in a moving vehicle with the guy. I told him he was being an ass and told him if he didn’t slow down and calm down I was going to jump out of the car. I think that threw him for a bit and he stopped ranting and raving and we drove the rest of the way in silence.

Once we got inside the restaurant, it’s like he was a completely different person. He totally charmed the waitress, didn’t complain about the smallness of the portions, and even bought several bottles of fairly expensive wine for himself and for me as well. I really thought I was losing my mind; just minutes before he had been a raving lunatic and here he acting as if he had the sweetest disposition in the world.

Upon leaving the restaurant, however, he reverted back to being a jerk. I saw him start to walk to the side of the restaurant and followed him but he told me that he “had to take a leak” and would be right back. Since he wasn’t heading back into the restaurant and was instead walking to some bushes that were in total view of the restaurant patrons I became highly alarmed. I asked him what the hell he was doing and if he was actually going to pee in the parking lot where everyone could see him and told him to go back inside and use the restroom there. He insisted that he didn’t want to walk all the way back inside and that outside was good enough for him.

I started to panic as I actually did like that restaurant and hoped at some point to go back there with a non-lunatic or even by myself and not die of total mortification having been the companion of the Parking Lot Pisser. I pleaded, I berated, and finally I threw a modified tantrum and said that I was going to call all four of my brothers to drive me home. He petulantly gave up and said he would hold it. The car ride home was less than pleasant, especially because as we arrived at my house he asked if he could use my bathroom since I hadn’t allowed him to go outside the restaurant.

This is when I learned that although I love my dog dearly, he is not the best judge of character. I tried to give him signals that he should hate Gary*, try to hump him, bite him, something. But no, Charlie thought Gary* was the best thing ever. Once I let Gary* into my house I had a really hard time getting him out. Eventually I got him out of my house and the next time he called I said that I was taking a break from dating for a while…or forever.

I finished up with IJL back in 2008 I think. Man, that was a long time ago! They recently contacted me and asked me to rejoin as I was “one of their most valued customers.” After laughing raucously/maniacally in response, I assured the lovely man with IJL that there was no force on earth that could compel me to rejoin.

Looking back though, it wasn’t completely a bust. Yes, by far and away, most of the guys were completely unsuitable. Some were even frightening. But I think I came through it with a better idea of what I didn’t want and more importantly what I did want. More than that though I have begun to develop a better idea of who I am and I totally dig me. So even if my friends and family lament what they see as my pickiness, I don’t agree. I’ve given a lot of very strange guys first and even second chances. I think it’s a good idea to be particular. To quote one of the more interesting film adaptations of the novel Emma: “you see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet.”

Whenever I get to the next post, I’ll start in with all the many dating websites I’ve tried. Here’s the scorecard for IJL:
1 Year
21 Guys
1 Millionaire
3 Rage problems
3 Can’t leave the nest’s
16 First Date Only’s
4 two dates or more
2 Ok guys that were cool for a while
1 Guy I really liked
Sanity: still somewhat in tact
Hope: dimmed but not completely gone

That's it for IJL. Next stop Catholic Singles (no I'm not kidding), eHarmony, Match, and OkCupid. And I may be working on my next batch of stories as we speak as I've thrown caution to the wind yet again and have dared to respond to one of the guys contacting me on my latest internet dating site of choice... (*Name has been changed)